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i have a math test tomorrow and i dont have the slightest urge to do anything about it.

i'm almost certain of failure.

i was trying to do my maths worksheet thing last night. at least i think i tried. i tried and tried and i did everything insanely and realised i got a weird number. then i was advised to start by solving for y first. and.. it was easy. then i did the circle thing and subbed like crazy just to find out i could have gotten the RADIUS by finding the length of the line between a point on the circle and the center of the circle. i think i'm really stupid..

sigh. i'm honestly gonna fail tomorrow's test. i cant afford to. maybe i'd go do some more textbook practice later on if i have the mood to.. but the thing is that.. i just feel weird.

i don't really know what the feeling is actually. it's quite confusing. erm. ah i shant describe it. it's hard. and i'm too lazy.. sigh.

people who know me SLIGHTLY better would know i like to be positively influenced by positive people. but i realised.. quite recently. i think i may be a negative influence to a certain extent.. i don't know but i certainly don't want to be.. i don't know what to do. another confusing thing..

i'm a confused little girl.

and i'm little.. chubby and "cute". short. small. round-ish. i wonder if people ever take me seriously.. sigh. i don't know much these days. i've been confused and, in a way, troubled, by lots of things, some of which i can't even put my finger on.

i feel dramatic.. (apologises for drama in the next few sentences)

i feel like i'm clawing the air for something i can hold on to.. i finally find something strong and steady, firm, cool to my flustered self. i want to cling on to it.. but i don't know if i should. there's something in me that says i should let go.. it says that this hand hold i cling to is not meant for me to hold on to. it says that maybe i don't have a handhold, not one i can feel, not one i can see, not one that i'm sure is there. i'm lost. it feels so good in my hands, but my fingerprints leave a stain... but i'm scared to let go because of my selfishness, cowardice.. insecurity. i don't know if i'll ever find anything as good, as perfect in my eyes..

i'm just not sure of what i'm doing. i'm just doing everything just as they come, with hardly any thought about why. i'm just doing things for the sake of doing them -- schooling because i have to, studying for the grades which are in turn to please my parents, in hope of finding freedom i don't need. there's so much more, but the lights are flickering and it's getting darker as one by one they go out and i'm afraid that soon i won't find my way..

i'm living in a world of nonsense, and it's getting harder to escape from this Alcatraz.

stepping on your garbage 7:59 PM