Thursday, July 13, 2006
i've been writing in my diary the past few days.. haven't been able to use the comp.. basically, i've been all things bad. i.e. feeling ostracized, jealous, sad, dejected, angry, frustrated, exasperated, furious, worried, afraid, nervous, etc.
it all started.. yesterday.
meeting someone on the staircase, getting my mid-year report, training, crying, meeting a father who's seen my report, crying again.
emotions: jealousy, nervousness, tension, fear, frustration, sadness.
i have about 5 days more till my doomsday. coach changed my dong zhuo for what, i dont know but i was just unlucky to jerk really bad when she was watching. one too many times. changed, felt okay, actually. shots turned out terrible. the biggest problem is that, i don't know what is the problem.
less than a week, and this happens. i really REALLY tried not to cry. but i just COULDN'T. i'm such a weak little thing. i was supposed to be strong. i tried sooo hard, but i couldn't.
i got into the car.. hiding my tears. they never know when i'm not okay, so it was fine. but dad had to talk about my report. i improved by 0.22 in my gpa. that's good. but no he didn't point that out. he pointed out the 1.2 for chinese. why can't he think of it this way. i can get 1.2 for chinese and still get a 3.33 gpa. but no, he goes, can u try for your chinese? you're just cheating yourself and screwing up your results because of it.
so wow. amazing.
went home, cried, sniff sniff, cried.
but i'm thankful for those who tried to comfort me. it worked at the end of the day. i managed to sleep at least. after going on and on about how cute yulin was. but that's not the point, thanks.
but then, today came. after school we were supposed to do something about open house. well, they left. it's weixian's day after all. but it hurt. if you know why it hurt, you know. if you don't, then nevermind.
that was the start of today's anger, fury, dejection and that feeling of being ostracized.
i went to safra. leong. guess what, i'm not an individual term member so i couldn't train. and i was hoping i could train to vent some stuff. tear cards, throw pellets, slam the button, be trigger happy for one card. it would have helped, or so i hoped. but i didn't get the chance. so i was really.. furious. i started cursing and swearing. i went out for a walk. stared into the big drain outside. i was thinking what would happen if i jumped in.. but i looked at the water inside, filthy. so i scrapped the thought.
why is it that.. bad things happen all at once, and good things happen all at once. but when the bad things come, we keep thinking it's not going to end, but when the good things come, we think: oh no. how can everything be working so well. something bad's bound to happen.
is it human nature? and time passes so fast when good things are present. then we end up thinking that there are more bad things than good things in our lives. but actually, i figured that most of the time, the bad things originate from too many good things. we worry about lack of money, cos we have everything else we need. we worry about school work, cos we have the parents to scold us if we do badly.
why are we like that? why am i like that?
stepping on your garbage