Saturday, December 30, 2006
i'm troubled. i don't know what's wrong with me. Miracle Service just ended. i usually feel better - a lot better, after church. after worship. i seriously don't know what's wrong.
i don't have the courage to face what i'm afraid of. there are so many things that are coming my way, and big, fat, trouble is one of them. what i'm feeling now.. there's just so many things i keep thinking about, so many things in my mind, so many things in my heart. i can't control it, and i can't keep anything out. i just can't clothe in words, the nudity i feel.
it's not nudity in the physical sense, obviously. but. i don't know. i thought i would never feel this again. but now i do. like no one cares, no one understands. i used to think my friends could understand me, but i don't feel it now. i haven't felt it for the past week. it's been dreadful.
today i told marvin: "i feel happy!" when i got home, i realised it was a fat lie.
nothing i have done, nothing i have tried to do, has made me feel better. i did feel better for a little little while today, while i was on the bike sabi rented. i was cycling so fast, a hump felt like a small rock on the road. if i were to brake hard i would have been thrown off. it felt good. it felt good to feel tired. because when i was tired and panting, i couldn't think.
i've been feeling this.. shit. for the week. i don't know why. it's not pms. i'm sure of that. i just.. i don't know. i just don't know anything. it makes me scared, it leaves me with nothing. i don't know anything anymore. i don't want anything anymore.
i have nothing. and no one knows me, i see. i thought i could count on my friends - now i'm not sure. it makes me so unsure of everything i've lived for.
i would write this on my diary but there's no space. i've come to the end of the book, the last page. it's the last day of the year tomorrow, and i've already taken up its space.
i wrote you a letter i would never give you, i remember things that never happened, i hate you but i don't. i wish i never met you. go away - disappear from my life. now.
we should never be too quick to judge. good things may turn out to be bad, and vice versa.
i wish i had something to fall back on, but i don't. like i said, i have nothing. i feel emptied out, of emotion, of expression. my mum said i look so dazed. i think i look dazed, fazed and everything else. i don't have the energy to do anything, just because i can't stop thinking.
i can't do it. i really don't know what's wrong. i haven't felt this bad in ages, and the few people i really want to talk to and be with, they don't seem to want to waste any more of their time on me.
but who cares. nothing matters anymore. freakin school is starting. and i'm walking straight for an off the cliff jump. i'm afraid i might flunk next year. i have a feeling 2007's gonna be bad. a bad start, a bad year.
i wish you were here.
stepping on your garbage