for you

2007-11-04T23:40:00.000+08:00

OH WOW SE7EN CAN SING. o.O
and dance too.
he reminds me of justin timberlake!!!! so hotts. =D=D

2007-08-03T20:34:00.000+08:00

怎么会有这种我不懂的事情
保持的沉默已经过了多久
隐瞒着我的秘密还有多少我通通无知

我怎么会不知道自己的情况
怎么一直没疑问地过生活
我难道没想到有这个可能而又是事实

我意料不到竟然有这种令我失望的事
你怎么做得到根本没有眨过眼的一次
你的谎言我现在才发现我在黑暗中的事实

我想象不到竟然有这种令我难过的事
我对你的依靠原来你没有珍惜过一日
渐渐被逼到的极限对你的信任就到此为止

2007-05-29T00:33:00.000+08:00

BUY OUR CD. for a preview, pm me on msn, if i'm not online leave me an online message so i can get back to you. =D $11, 7 songs. and ofcourse a budding star, chan yan ru. xD

2007-05-23T21:35:00.000+08:00

my life sucks. i hate it and i wish i could change it.

but i can't and i have to live it but why. why can't i change my life. why don't i have the courage, the strength, the confidence. the ability. fuck i'm stupid.

so what if my grades suck, eh? i don't want to do anything related to what i'm doing now. i don't even know what i want to do, damn it.

screw everything i'm supposed to stand for, i want to stand for myself.

2007-05-02T01:11:00.000+08:00

好想去追求梦想。。。

做不到。

2007-04-21T23:48:00.000+08:00

CSS2
KOH ZHENGNING! wo yong yuan zhi chi ni!!!!

omgomgomg

she's so hawt.

ZHENGNING ROCK ON YOU DA BEST YOU GONNA SHOW THE WORLD WHAT YOU'RE MADE OF AND YOU ARE SO COOL chiobuus.

<3

SUPPORT ZHENGNING!

she will totally go ALL THE WAY.

like really till the end end end and she will WIN.

OF COURSE, JJ!!!!!!! dearest sweetest most adorable JJ, you are a star.

thanks for shopping with me the other day you MUST wear those shoes.

SUPPORT JJ!!!!!

sorry for the unevenness in length but no, it doesn't mean i support anyone more than anyone YES both of you will be the last 2. yeah babehss.

2007-04-17T21:01:00.000+08:00

wow been a long time. life's been draggy. havent achieved much in the past weeks... i got a new PB 387 which i don't really count as my PB cos i didn't train for MONTHS before that and they counted most of my 9.9s as 10s.

anyway. i just finished watching 恶魔在身边 and i really liked it. it was stupid but ohwell. taiwanese dramas rock.

and i've been writing songs. and omg yah 2 out of 10 of the css finalists are from RG! woohoo. jj and zhengning. how pro is that la.

i shall use chinese! heehee. i have a sudden obssession with chinese.

对啊说到这几天，真的没有做大好事，连怀小事都没做。哈哈。。。今天有2.4 PFT，我跑到最后一圈了都不知道嘞，害我最后一圈真地把我的 timing 加了好多 time. 可惜啦。就是失败者啦！

哇塞，打华文字真得很慢。

forget it la. anyway nat and i did a draft recording of our song.. and then i freakin sound like a 5 year old kid trying to sing a love song la.. sucks. i hope i'll be able to change my ever-so-changeable voice on the real recording day which will probably be next tuesday. screw.

really, recently life has been nothing but 无聊。

only thing i've been doing is listening to songs and dreaming, and saving money of course.

EH EVERYBODY READING DONATE TO THE HELP SANDRA BUY A KEYBOARD FUND.

[A Yamaha keyboard costs >S$1000. Help SANDRA get a keyboard to fulfill her dream (of one day selling her songs somewhere) by DONATING! every cent counts!]

yah. i wrote something like that on our class whiteboard. xD whatever i'm so pathetic.

save me from the well
i'm diggin' by myself
you
don't
know
a thing about me

so get out of my sight
leave my lonely nights
do
you
know
that i surrender to my life

2007-03-15T21:55:00.000+08:00

SHANGHAI!

got back this morning.

wasn't particularly memorable, i'd say.

perhaps the most enjoyable part was freezing on the roof of the boat we took on the river cruise.

perhaps the second best was the camwhoring and "boyband" shoots.

and then the cd shop where cds sold for under 10 bucks. albums. brand new, original. amazing. i only bought one, and i should have bought more. screw.

what else was there? i can't remember.

i'm glad to be home, surprisingly. so unlike taiwan. so.. forgettable.

on the other hand, i don't want to be home now. reality never meant much to me, my real life is in a dream.

damnit the stupid recording i did today at tammy's parents' music school can't play right on my com. the sounds are wobbly. like someone was playing with the pitch moderator thing. that thing you push up and down at the side of the lousy old keyboards in school.

bleh. ohwell. i hope it plays okay at lws. and then i realised the entire song has no dynamics either cos i turned off the touch sensitivity. i hope it's okay. sigh. it was the best one i've done though, and i hope i dont have to scrap it again sigh..

i feel quite empty. i can't chase my dreams because of expectations. i can't do what i wish i could. and i know i most probably can't go far the way i am now. maybe i'm still too immature to see everything in the right light. i have no drive for the academic world. i don't know what i can do with myself in this area, and i'm scared of facing a future i'm unsure of. the more i know about what i originally intended to do, the more i doubt my ability to do it. medicine? how likely is it that i'll be able to get in? i wish i could do things with my other "talents" if you could even call them that. just.. things i like to do. i don't know if dad will allow me to go for it, what i want.

whatever. when choices are hard to make i tend to run away. and off i go now.

i gotta get on with the rest of the night. i have nothing more to say. bye.

2007-02-26T20:15:00.000+08:00

我知道伤心不能改变什么
那么让我诚实一点
诚实难免有不能控制的宣泄
只要关上了门不必理谁

一个人坐在空荡包厢里面
手机让它休息一夜
难像切歌切掉回忆的画面
眼泪不能不能流过十二点

生日快乐我对自己说
蜡烛点了寂寞亮了

生日快乐泪也融了
我要谢谢你给的你拿走的一切

还爱你带一点恨
还要时间才能平衡
热恋伤痕幻灭重生
祝我生日快乐

2007-02-14T21:27:00.000+08:00

well, you let me go.

why did you, anyway,
if she was going to let you go in the end?

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

2007-02-13T19:16:00.000+08:00

wah. shock. hmm. really shock. my essay? right.

TODAY WAS A WEIRD DAY.

at first i was really emo and sadded and very very very SLEEPY.

i slept through a lil bit of physics, the whole of recess, a lil bit of philo and SS.

wow.

then we went to lwssom for RS! SO COOL. song arrangement. i saved it in my floppy!! and now i listen to it i'm like YUCK I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S THAT HORRIBLE sigh..

and now i also realise that we have to add in the drumstyles as another track, not as extra track.

dots. gut feelings should be followed. but for now i shall listen to what i have so far over and over and over again and make sure i know how to play it and then re record it the next time. HAVE TO. it really sucks. and many many bits are off beat. ><

man i'm lousy.

ohwell. then we need to add in the drums and strings. bleh. rubbish i think i suck at music arrangement. ><

i wish my cam battery wasnt so screwed up though then i can take many many many pictures. am i mistreating it?? uh oh i dunno.

ahaha. TOMORROW VDAY LEH! I GOT NO V FOR THE DAY. >< HAHA ANYONE WANT TO DATE ME. xD

kidding okay i have some stuff to do. WHICH I SHOULD HAVE DONE LONG TIME AGO COS NOW IT'S JUST A PILE.

只剩下钢琴陪我弹了一天

2007-02-10T23:31:00.000+08:00

lalalalalalala life is wonderful.

haha I'VE BEEN DOING MY HOMEWORK AMAZING RIGHT SOMETIMES LATE BUT WHO CARES I'VE BEEN DOING MY HOMEWORK. =D

YAY.

2007-02-06T22:05:00.000+08:00

I WANT TO BE THERE.

but you won't let me, will you.

why do i even bother?

2007-02-03T15:56:00.000+08:00

I WANT TO FLY!

i wish i had the choice to stay out till late every day. at least every weekday. and i was wondering why i looked forward to wednesdays.. apparently it's cos i get to stay out till 9+.

i just don't want to go home anymore. there's nothing for me at home, nothing but loneliness. i hear my friends all saying they want to go home. but i dont. and.. i just dont look forward to anything but wednesdays.. i get to see the friends i hold so dear in my heart.

and i see people i used to know just.. falling. i wish i could help them, but i don't have the courage, i don't have the strength. when i am falling there are many around me whom i trust to catch me. i want to catch too.

and it hurts that i never had the opportunity.

2007-01-31T22:52:00.000+08:00

everyone has all the time in the world.

just not together.

2007-01-31T01:16:00.000+08:00

oh craps life sucks. i'm doing my work and it's totally not appreciated. -___-
AT LEAST I'M DOING IT DAMNIT. if i had know how you'd be i wouldn't have done anything and you'd think how i'm a good girl WTF.

you SO don't know me. WHATEVER MAN.grr.

and you won't let me go training tomorrow! amazing. you say i'll fall sick because i'm sleeping late for what, 2 days? HAH. i've been sleeping late since the start of the year. like i said, you SO don't know me.

damnit i just want to cry why can't you LET ME BE. if i fall sick, i suffer. TELL YOU WHAT, I DON'T EVEN WASTE YOU MONEY GOING TO THE DOCTORS'. and you're there wasting money on high class bicycles.

rarrr.

2007-01-30T22:25:00.000+08:00

how the heck do i start the stupid geog essay on Singapore's budget 2007.

gah. i'm so schleepie. and i can't focus on the schtoopide essay. *blink*

come january we're frozen inside making new resolutions a hundred times february wont you be my valentine! <3

2007-01-30T01:13:00.000+08:00

i keep thinking and i keep wondering. i don't know why, you never told me even when i asked you. all you gave were excuses. and i keep thinking and i keep wondering. all i want is to understand.

i can't sleep damnit.

2007-01-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

i thought i never could love because i never knew what love was
i thought i never would meet someone who'd teach me what love was
i thought i never would feel so right with anyone at all
i thought i never could know one who i'd never known at all

i thought i never could spend a day just looking at someone
i thought i never would sit with so much to say but said none
i thought i never would know what it's like to while time away
i thought i never could speak what my mouth didn't dare to say

but when i think of you i think of the night
i think of warmth making wrong seem right
and when i think of you i think of the stars
i think of sitting on the rooftop staring at cars
i think i'll never find that feeling again
because i met you and somehow i loved you

i miss your softness

2007-01-25T21:35:00.000+08:00

HI THERE. HAHA

recently i have felt stressed. and a lot of things have been on my mind.

i've actually been doing my homework, maybe that's why i'm stressed. ok at least, a BIT.

i'm scared to death of piano because i didn't know i was taking grade 8 >< HAHA. insane but oh so true. i only play piano because i like it and not for the exams! sigh. nevermind.

and then! i hardly have time to train! my tuition teacher! is making me! do one compo! a week! and i have! compos! to do! in school too!!!!!!.

so i have no more free days because one day will be spent doing compos.

and then!!! tomorrow!!! i have a physics test! and an english essay! and then i will DIE and suffer the most horriblest death ever because i HATE expos. and i'm not studying physics! so i'm going to be put in remedial! OMG!

ok i think i'm going to study later but BEEEEEEP.

i am tired. i can't sleep at night because of the thoughts running through my head. i cry before i sleep. at least i have been crying.

and if. if. if. if i had the courage. if i had the courage.. i would be broken.

2007-01-23T23:07:00.000+08:00

haha today the guys from the taiwan trip came over to rg and gave their presentation which was soloed by shawn. SAD CASE.

and then it was like that. boring day. sleepy. I SLEPT THROUGH CHEM. >< i woke up for a few seconds when ms goh walked past but then i fell right asleep again. sigh i'm SO gonna fail chem XP life sucks.

oh rs today jay was teaching us to sing our songs nicely and he said ours is like a zhoujielun and caiyilin kind of song. heehee. i wonder why. AND OMG JIACONG AND TAMI'S SONG IS DAMN NICE NOW! OMGOMG i should totally fangirl.

and today i feel really really really stupid. I CANT GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD. it's like a BUG. a VIRUS. grrrr. indestructible one at that. and it is bugging me. i even dreamt about it when i thought sleeping could help me not think about it so annoying grr.

and i wanted to know you.

2007-01-22T21:34:00.000+08:00

I GOT A NEW COMPUTER!

yesterday i went to courts with my brother. first we looked at cameras and camera lenses and lens cleaners. then we looked at random stuff. then we TOOK THE COMPUTER HOME.

i know it's really really old already, but to me, this acer aspire is HEAVENLY. =P

as compared to my old computer which is a mix and match thingthing. ><

hahhaha. life rocks.

and i actually finished my maths assignment do you believe it. YAY I FEEL ACCOMPLISHED.

oh and i did my commonwealth essay too. it's really really really really really boring. >< like REALLY REALLY. i fell asleep re-reading it. but who cares. granted it was 2am. but it's pretty deep it'd make a good lit text HAHA. zi kua. =P

yah k anyway looking forward to RS tomorrow. =D jj rocks.

AND AND. getting my hands clean of maths assignment1 and commonwealth essay. i shall leave it for mrs tan to edit. hee.

OMG TOMORROW EVERYBODY COMING RG!!! OMGOMGOMG. SO EXCITING I CANT IMAGINE MARVIN IN UNIFORM. lol. but no fun they wear long pants cant pluck leg hair.
NEVERMIND STILL COOL. but then quanjie not coming!! omg how sad is that?

yah anywayss. mrs tan said we might have to change seating arrangement and that makes me very sad i like where i'm seated and i like who i'm sitting with. >< i'm not even sleeping in class yet okay and the teachers are complaining. sigh. niaoness.

ohwellwhocares i think i rock cos i've only been booked ONCE for attire so far. HAHA. and one class booking. AIRCON SHIZZ.

yah and today i went ikea and i bought 3 snakes. i took one and i twirled it around my mum's neck and she went eeeugh and dumped it in a bag. then i looked at the huge pile of snakes before me and took another. then at the cashier i'm sure i saw one of them begging me to take it too. so i bought 3.

talk about impulse.

yup been a great day mostly. yay. life rocks. for once! =D

2007-01-16T19:41:00.000+08:00

HAHA TODAY RS.

JJ came our school then after that going back we walked out with him then the odacers (serene) was like OHHHH MYYY GODDDD. O.O

then when we walked off they were still staring. lol.

then after that outside SOME PERSON walking in front of us turned around and had the O.O *gasp* thing..

ALL THE FACES WERE JUST PRICELESS. seriously.

so me and nat were teasing him. HAHA then he take cab back to lws school! so we kachiao him about the cab thing. HE'S DAMN NICE CANN.

yah anyway. i came home and i watched TV and when my parents came home i was lazy to get up and help lay table so i pretended to sleep in the end i really just SLEPT.

you know yesterday was the first time i had those dawn cheng kind of puffy eyebags. i looked in the mirror and went OMG SO COOL to myself. then i went to sleep. NOW STILL HAVE LEH.

so sad i was supposed to go training today but then daddy said nevermind better come home so i came home and stoned around. so sad. >< i think i should go training tomorrow. I NEED TO GO TRAINING IF NOT COACH WILL SCOLD LIKE SHIT HELPHELPHOW.

k bye i gtg do ppt. -_______-

2007-01-15T20:21:00.000+08:00

baby i love you
thank you for the sunshine
for holding me tight
baby i'm sorry
for the ways i've let you down
for not knowing what i got

YOU NEVER LET ME GO

[omg ouch i just saw something PIANGPIANGPIANG my heartBREAK can! hahaha..]

2007-01-15T19:58:00.000+08:00

eh crap you know i cant see the chinese on my blog i wonder if anyone can darn. nevermind. that's a song! duan le xian de zhen zhu! hahaha. =D

NA DA LI'S WORK LEH!

i want to thank her like a lot because i keep giving her rubbish and then she like processing machine come out nicenice. yay.

and i suck at recording because i can never get it right one whole time and that's like damn sad. i hope the actual recording can cut and paste. lol.

FINISH MATHS TEST TODAY WAS SCREWED I DUNNO WHY I COULD HAVE DONE IT. slaps self.

K BYE =D

2007-01-15T19:57:00.000+08:00

SONGGG!

孤单冷漠的小星星
其实需要爱情
难道你听不见
它喊救命

遇见了你,牵手之后
再也不受痛苦
星星充满新希望
爱真是妙

我想起你的温暖
眼泪像断了线的珍珠
很想念
但时间过得太快
我们彼此的沉默
显示我们之间的距离
想不到
爱情能带来悲哀
不要离开

我们的爱,无法存在
但我不甘愿
就这样为爱情书
划上句点

需要时间,需要空间
还是奇迹出现
是否自私的借口
放弃所有

我想起你的温暖
眼泪像断了线的珍珠
很想念
但时间过得太快
我们彼此的沉默
显示我们之间的距离
想不到
爱情能带来悲哀
不要离开

我想起你的温暖
眼泪像断了线的珍珠
很想念
但时间过得太快
我们彼此的沉默
显示我们之间的距离
想不到
爱情能带来悲哀

想不到
爱情能带来悲哀
不要离开

到最后的你
还埋怨幸福在哪里
心都交给了你
断了线的珍珠掉
我心酸无比

2007-01-13T21:24:00.000+08:00

Drain the veins in my head
Clean out the reds in my eyes to get by security lines
Dear x-ray machine
Pretend you don't know me so well
I wont tell if you lied
Cry, cause your droughts been brought up
Drinkin' cause you're lookin so good in your starbucks cup
I complain for the company that I keep
The windows for sleeping rearrange
When I'm nobody
Well who's laughin now

I'm leaving your town, again
And I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air so baby hell yeah
Well honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

Damn, I should be so lucky
Even only 24 hours under your touch
You know I need you so much
I cannot wait to call you
And tell you that I landed somewhere
And hand you a square of the airport
And walk you through the maze of the map
That I'm gazing at
Gracefully unnamed and feeling guilty for the luck
And the look that you gave me
You make me somebody
Oh nobody knows me
Not even me can see it, yet I bet I'm

I'm leaving your town again
And I'm over the ground that you've been spinning
And I'm up in the air, so baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

You keep me high minded
You get me high

Flax seeds, well they tear me open
And supposedly you can crawl right through me
Taste these teeth please
And undress me from the sweaters better hurry
Cause I'm keeping upward bound now
Oh maybe I'll build my house on your cloud
Here I'm tumbling for you
Stumbling through the work that I have to do
Don't mean to harm you

By leaving your town again
But I'm over the quilt that you've been spinning
But I'm up in the air, said baby hell yeah
Oh honey I can see your house from here
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn
I'll remember where the love was found
If the plane goes down, damn

Damn
Damn
Damn
You keep me high
You keep me high minded
You keep me high
You keep me high minded

2007-01-12T19:31:00.000+08:00

assembly we had a stupid pointless talk about school rules. it just adds fuel to the fire they started.

like wth. you guys dont even know how to make sure there arent any loopholes in your rationales for the rules because there are way to many.

idiots.

no listening to ipod AFTER SCHOOL HOURS in the FOYER because school's an INSTITUTION OF LEARNING.
right after that you go on to say how we're having some music and dance performance for assembly next week because we should appreciate music, and LEARN from it.
and besides. mine's a CREATIVE ZEN V PLUS. which i saved up for anyway.

then you say no using ipod because there are people less privileged than us around.
then you teachers wear branded goods, smell nice and have pretty long hair which you flick about answering your very cool handphones. like V3i. there are people less priveleged than you too you know.

no using handphone around school because we'll be making lots of noise along the corridors.
I'M SURE SMSING IS NOISY. like what, the TUKTUKTUK OF THE BUTTONS? who calls so much anyway.

no polished TOENAILS because it'll affect the professional image. you'll book us when you see it - like in HEALTHCHECK.
i'm SURE we all look GLAM and PROFESSIONAL during HEALTHCHECK. when we're in school uniform we're supposed to be wearing shoes?

all for our "welfare"? the more rules there are, the more rules there are to break.
you say it develops "values and reasoning". restrictions curb development of character and personality. all those rulebreakers and troublemakers; they always end up stronger than freakin adorers of school rules. what you trying to do to us? make us all look the same? might as well cut our hair and give us all plastic surgery.

and after the talk you ask if there are questions. we ask questions, you say not those kind of questions at the end. THEN WHAT QUESTIONS. it's about the rules right? you want us to ask "yo dudes watcha having for lunch?"?!

i got booked on the first day of school for my socks which were actually only borderline - and sorry if the stupid school socks are lousy quality and lose their elasticity. SOME PEOPLE ARE LESS PRIVELEGED YOU KNOW. and some people's parents dont buy them new socks until their socks have holes.

rarrr.

2007-01-11T22:04:00.000+08:00

HELLO LONG TIME NO BLOG.

i'm slowly letting go of what i was holding on to.

the past that will never return.

YES. so i'm pretty much happier. i hope. sometimes i break and cry in the middle of the night but God makes it all better for me. He comforts me and mends my broken heart. and He helps me sleep! =D

which is a good thing or i'd have fallen sick.

YES ANYWAY. i just read keeping faith by jodi picoult. i think jodi picoult is an amazing writer. the way she sets the plot and the story for what's coming later on, and everything. it's cool.

yeah anyway. OMG I'M PSYCHIC. okay nevermind some random thing just happened.

anywayyyyy! all the jc people say orientation was super fun. I JEALOUS. i wanna go tooo. lolll.

nevermind next time in JC i'm going to be well taken care of by my korkors and jiejies. xDxDxD omg funny.

k nevermind i'm so so so so sooooo dead for the maths test on monday because i'm soo so so so so soooooo amazing and havent started studying. xD whee. i rock right..
i hope i can get like.. 70% or something.

>< okay that's damn low but nevermind. just hope. cos i havent studied like HELLO?

yes lalala. i'm bored and slightly tired. we had floorball today! funfun.

and i ate 2 plates of zhu pa mian today. PRO RIGHT. i think i gonna be damn fat soon? haha.

nvm i feel good nanananananana. knew that i would nanananananana.

my God rocks.

2007-01-04T20:53:00.000+08:00

sandra! &i know you dont give a damn says:
HELLOHELLO
sandra! &i know you dont give a damn says:
HAHALIFESUCKS
[mUff1N] wah lao my tail is gone liao says:
hello
[mUff1N] wah lao my tail is gone liao says:
mine too
[mUff1N] wah lao my tail is gone liao says:
my hair fail
[mUff1N] wah lao my tail is gone liao says:
just went to trim the back
[mUff1N] wah lao my tail is gone liao says:
and the hairdresser cut off my tail

...... MARVIN. -______________-''

2007-01-04T20:24:00.000+08:00

and i know you don't give a damn
but i'd give you the world

and i know you've let go, move on
but i'll wait till the day i congratulate you

and i know you don't even care
but i care so much

and i know you don't know what i mean
but i'll still say it to you

and i know you haven't even thought about thinking
but i've thought long and hard, every day, every time

and i know you don't miss me
but i miss you so badly?

and i know you don't see me
but i wait for a chance to look at you

and i know you've left me behind
but i'll always be behind you

and i know you're not there
but i'm here.

2007-01-02T23:05:00.000+08:00

OH WAIT. TODAY I SAW THE PROEST PERSON I HAVE EVER SEEN AT HOUSE OF THE DEAD. we even clapped for him when he finished the game. and i think we all wanted to kowtow. xD heh.. damn pro la.. watch him super zibei? hahaha. nevermind.

anyway. i guess i had a pretty good day. not all that great but better than previous days which i have all but been alive. i'd been in a faze, in hysterics.. everything but normal.

i'm glad to be back. not to singapore, but i'm glad to be back. as in, me? yeah. for the slow ones who havent noticed, my last few posts have been soooooooo emo. >< HAHA.

nevermind.

i'd say the world is a masquerade.

i still neeeeeed you
i still caaaare about you.

bsb!

2007-01-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

i thank God for the courage.

2007-01-01T22:08:00.000+08:00

妳說我像一個小孩總愛讓妳猜我說妳才像個小孩總要我說才明白
有些事太快失去了等待障礙沒了期待
我們的愛怎麼才自然每次溝通不來
就要離開就說不要愛

我掉進愛情懸崖跌太深爬不出來
下降的速度太快來不及踏上未來
妳的愛反覆徘徊打亂我呼吸節拍
該怎麼逃開我控制不來

我掉進愛情懸崖回想起妳的可愛
傻傻的還在等待以為妳還會回來
你的脸慢慢离开时间快将我掩埋
消失的太快我负荷不来

2007-01-01T21:44:00.000+08:00

and i feel cheated, tricked, conned, assified.

2007-01-01T21:37:00.000+08:00

i feel stupid.

very very very very stupid.

and i feel like shit again?

life sucks. HAHAA.

i've been the stupidest most ignorant and brainless piece of shit.

i don't even know what i'm feeling, what i'm thinking now. and what.?

who cares, i don't care. i DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ANYMORE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.go away.

2006-12-31T21:08:00.000+08:00

THANK YOU MEL, JUNDA, XL, & DANIEL!

I LOVE YOU GUYS. thanks. i feel a lot better today. esp mel who talked with me even though her internet thing is screwy and everything and just listened to my cry and could understand me though i was half sobbing and my nose was blocked and my diction sucked. thanks. and thanks so much for listening. and esp xl who been replying my pointless msgs and caring and bothering about me even though he doesn't even actually know me, and helped me feel like at least there was one strange person who bothered enough about me however annoying i could be.

THANKYOU. SO MUCH. <3

2006-12-30T21:35:00.000+08:00

i'm troubled. i don't know what's wrong with me. Miracle Service just ended. i usually feel better - a lot better, after church. after worship. i seriously don't know what's wrong.

i don't have the courage to face what i'm afraid of. there are so many things that are coming my way, and big, fat, trouble is one of them. what i'm feeling now.. there's just so many things i keep thinking about, so many things in my mind, so many things in my heart. i can't control it, and i can't keep anything out. i just can't clothe in words, the nudity i feel.

it's not nudity in the physical sense, obviously. but. i don't know. i thought i would never feel this again. but now i do. like no one cares, no one understands. i used to think my friends could understand me, but i don't feel it now. i haven't felt it for the past week. it's been dreadful.

today i told marvin: "i feel happy!" when i got home, i realised it was a fat lie.

nothing i have done, nothing i have tried to do, has made me feel better. i did feel better for a little little while today, while i was on the bike sabi rented. i was cycling so fast, a hump felt like a small rock on the road. if i were to brake hard i would have been thrown off. it felt good. it felt good to feel tired. because when i was tired and panting, i couldn't think.

i've been feeling this.. shit. for the week. i don't know why. it's not pms. i'm sure of that. i just.. i don't know. i just don't know anything. it makes me scared, it leaves me with nothing. i don't know anything anymore. i don't want anything anymore.

i have nothing. and no one knows me, i see. i thought i could count on my friends - now i'm not sure. it makes me so unsure of everything i've lived for.

i would write this on my diary but there's no space. i've come to the end of the book, the last page. it's the last day of the year tomorrow, and i've already taken up its space.

i wrote you a letter i would never give you, i remember things that never happened, i hate you but i don't. i wish i never met you. go away - disappear from my life. now.

we should never be too quick to judge. good things may turn out to be bad, and vice versa.

i wish i had something to fall back on, but i don't. like i said, i have nothing. i feel emptied out, of emotion, of expression. my mum said i look so dazed. i think i look dazed, fazed and everything else. i don't have the energy to do anything, just because i can't stop thinking.

i can't do it. i really don't know what's wrong. i haven't felt this bad in ages, and the few people i really want to talk to and be with, they don't seem to want to waste any more of their time on me.

but who cares. nothing matters anymore. freakin school is starting. and i'm walking straight for an off the cliff jump. i'm afraid i might flunk next year. i have a feeling 2007's gonna be bad. a bad start, a bad year.

i wish you were here.

2006-12-28T15:40:00.000+08:00

hellos. I MISS TAIWAN PEOPLE. >< i didn't go for their gathering thing on sunday cos i had to be a good girl and stay with my parents. my bro and sis were both out so i was the only kid left to pei them so i had to be xiao shun.

anyway. I SHOULD HAVE GONE CRIES.

andandand. WAAAAAAAHHH. i miss them so much. today i saw serene and serena and anzie and kevy and jasmin and shihua! so now i dont miss those few so much. lol.

BUT I MISS EVERYBODY ELSE. sputters faints dies.

sigh. school is gonna start really really soon and if i dont see all of them one more time i think i'm gonna die.

i'm like LOVESICK or something.

sighsighsigh.

but anyway today was setup day! which was a waste of time, money and petrol. and SLEEP. i slept at like.. 3? and had to wake up at 7? and really surprisingly i woke up when my dad went to wake my sis up. who's next door. i thought that was impossible. i dont even wake up with my alarm clock. and he was just "talking" to her. as in. talking volume. i thought pigs dont wake up so easily. xD

haha oink.

nevermind.

merry belated Christmas everyone. and remember what it's all about. remember to remember Him. and cheers! celebrate His coming. celebrate His birth! celebrate Jesus! =D

2006-12-24T23:54:00.000+08:00

VIVO IS HUGE. i'd get lost if i weren't following someone.

okay whatever SOME MEAN PERSON said i'm just lousy. ><

haha anyway i like vivo!!! it has a pretty pretty view of sentosa and that tall skinny thing that takes a round thingum up to see sea view! =D

i'm feeling high now cos i'm listening to jay chou. i just dled a LOT of his songs. and stuff. i feel happy.

anyway. TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS. okay. it's Christmas in about 3 minutes but nevermind.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. remember what it's all about though. CHRIST.

O HOLY NIGHT. THE STARS ARE BRIGHTLY SHIIINING.

merry Christmas everybody, happy birthday Jesus.

SMILE.

2006-12-14T20:26:00.000+08:00

ok i hope everyone's read what they were supposed to read.. i been thinking about taiwan the whole day i can't stop the memories from flowing in. as i chat online with the new friends i've made we reminisce about the times we've had and everything comes back crystal clear.

i miss the times on the 11th floor. so much.
watching people play pingpong, learning pingpong myself. junda patiently hitting the ball back and picking it up when i whacked it out again and again. playing ping pong for the first time, hitting it back and forth for more than 5 times the first time.
watching people play pool, winning my first pool game proper. marvin's fingernail indicating where i should aim to get a good shot. teaching the sec 2 girls how to rest the cue stick on their left hands.
lying on the pool table waiting for the laundry to be done, staying up till 4.30.
practicing che ling with zhen xiao with the yoyo flying about all over the place and getting cut all over the place by the yoyo's sharp edges.
playing badminton along the narrow corridor area just whacking the shuttle back and forth. finally learning how to hold the racket properly and how to use my wrist. kiat wee constantly adjusting the racket and showing me how to swing, explaining, also patiently.
(now i realise i'm a pretty slow learner)
watching the 2 mels do gym stuff on the mats, trying to do a cartwheel, watching renato do a cart wheel, watching marvin do a cartwheel. trying over and over again, watching melanie successfully do her frontwalk.
doing my laundry. being so afraid of using the boy's dryer which ye wei finally convinced me to do. pouring washing powder.
going up to the 11th floor from the 7th floor.
going up the stairs one floor to the 8th floor. walking through the 8th floor corridor and complaining about yinan's feet. knocking on 816 then hiding at the side. knocking repeatedly on 810 with no response. shawn sleeping ever so soundly in 812.
the guys coming down to 7th floor to practice for our karaoke competition. singing and singing and singing. xian jie's scream (which i still have in my mp3).

all the little things. the auntie who sweeps the floor and clears the rubbish, practicing calligraphy at the front desk. the vending machine outside the lobby. the first dinner we had in shida.
the canteen uncle who kept coming to ask us if the food was ok. who gave us extra guo ties in the morning cos he said 4 was too little.
lessons with fan lao shi. talking rubbish. her telling us her secrets. watching movies and cartoons and everything people dont usually do in lessons. marvin reading super fast.
the piano. where i remember emoing and fooling around. i played such sad songs. we both did. but it felt good to let it out with music. it felt good to feel so free to express.
the red cushions.

everything. i just cant forget.

the first time i went solo with the guys at eslite and 101. watching the guys pick the soft toys. running back to the bus and being late for the first time.
and i just kept going out with them after that cos they made me feel more at ease. somehow i think i was less conscious about myself. i liked that feeling.
and though people started to tease me i didn't care about what others thought.

those 3 days bi ye lu xing. amazing. the hotel with the rooftop. i remember the lovers room i got with the round bed and the mirrors on top. and the rooftop. so quiet, so peaceful. we could see the stars. i think i remember that the most. it felt so right to huddle with my friends in the cold. and though we were freezing we didn't want to leave the place cos it was quiet and peaceful. i think.. it might have been one of the happiest moments i had there. it was so stupid but it was good.
the amusement park. riding the mayan adventure 3 times and being scared of being late but went for the 3rd time anyway cos everyone else was going. looking for junda who didn't want to go for the rides. taking the wet ride which was.. wet.

the kiap kiap machine. wasted a lot of money on them but had a lot of fun.

those nights i spent talking to my girlfriends. talking about everything, anything. boys, girls, school, lifestories, troubles, EVERYTHING.

walking around the 2nd hotel on the 2nd night with the bunch of people i was the closest to minus one. but it felt good walking together and not alone.

it felt so good to see your friends, old and new, everyday. when you wake up, before you sleep, at meals, every single time you turn around, you see someone who cares so much for you. you see people who are always looking out for you to make sure you're alright, always there so you won't ever be lonely.

now i'm back home and there's absolutely no one in the house but me. my big big house. what's a big house for if it's not full up with people?

my parents are at separate dinners, sister's in hostel. brother's at work or on a date or something. and i'm here on a date with my computer. i've been on this date since i woke up this morning. because there's nothing else i can do. unpacking makes me cry as i look at the things i've bought. reminding me of the places i've been, the people i was with.

i didn't want to go for the immersion at first. now i don't regret going. i regret not wanting to go in the first place. i'm glad i went. i'm glad i met all those people there. i'm glad for everything that happened on the trip, the ups and downs, and i thank God so much, for the way He's worked things out for me. i thank God that i had that opportunity to go to taiwan. to go to the different places and do all those things.

i have to get used to the life back home again, i just hope that when school reopens, i can survive without the guys around. God help me be strong and face everything that comes my way!

i'm missing taiwan so badly right now, and we're having a meeting tomorrow. we all can't bear to leave each other so abruptly and though the meeting is pretty fast and soon after our arrival, i think we need to see each other again. with all the LOVE that spreads around so fast, it's so hard to let go.

but hey everyone, CHEERS. we rocked taiwan. =D

2006-12-14T17:37:00.000+08:00

here are some pictures!

from the white hand (which is mine) clockwise: me, junda, marvin, kiatwee. we all bought rings and i think this is a cool picture cos it's cool and the 3 of them are 3 of the guys i was closest to on the trip. =D

and this one's ye wei and i camwhoring. i find it funny.

11th floor. where everything happens - sleep, laundry, gym, pool, pingpong, badminton.. i'm SO gonna miss the 11th floor. <3>

and this is the piano. with the Christmas tree behind. i love the piano. i go there whenever i'm emoing and i start to play things.. and it helps me feel better. yay. hurray for music. =D

and of course we cant forget the cutest person alive, KIATWEE! here's us acting cute with hongxiu taking the picture. the sleeve on the right is renato's. the place, at the computers in the lobby.

yeah that's about it for now i'm lazy to upload everything but i'll upload to multiply soon enough. i miss taiwan. =(

2006-12-13T23:47:00.000+08:00

and i'm back.

i have this thing around me, a cloud. it's raining. i want to cry and let the tears flow, let the bad stuff come flowing out. but i'm afraid those memories would swim away with the tide. like the rushing wind i find myself in a place i've come to know as home but i was swept away.

the month away from singapore has.. taught me so many things. i've made so many new friends. i've learnt - about emotions, and physical things. i've learnt how to play ping pong (thanks to junda), pool (thanks to marvin), chinese yoyo, etc. i've learnt how to do chinese painting, chop carving, chinese ropes, etc. i've learnt how to swing a badminton racket properly (thanks to kiatwee). i've learnt how to use a washing machine and dryer. i've learnt so many things..

i've learnt things about friendship, trust, judgement, opinions, etc.

i've made so many friends, so many relationships. and definitely met new confidantes like melanie. and those who you like to stick with like the guys - junda, kiatwee, mingxuan, zhenxiao, marvin. and those you look to for comfort and assurance - ye wei, shawn, junda, kiatwee, anzie, JASMINE. everyone has made the trip so amazing, enjoyable, memorable, warm, and so full of LOVE.

the past two weeks have been so happy, i've done so many things with my friends. though they are no doubt, NEW friends, i've made friends. i've come to know people i can talk to, people i can trust, people who listen so well. people i can always count on to help me forget the sadness.

specifically, i want to thank everyone.

TO: my sexy mamas.

BIRD. i love you so much. thanks for just being yourself, crazy yet with a soft side. i've known you the longest from the people on the trip, and i'm glad i know you. you always bring out the best in me, and i learn from you. i admire you, respect you. thanks for being. THERE.

MELANIE. hello mel during the trip you stayed opposite me. i always went over to talk to you, you came over to talk to me. i'm SO glad i had you there to talk to, or i would have burst. thanks for trusting me, advising me, listening to my advice, and being so really huggable. you're so beautiful don't ever forget that. i'm really going to miss you.. i love you. and thanks. =)

LINGMIN. lingminlingminlingmin my gorgeous baby. thank you for bearing with me and though we have our differences we have our similarities as well. thanks for listening, thanks for talking to me on the phone that night. thanks for forgiving me time and again my shortcomings and i'm sorry if i ever hurt you and didn't apologise. thank you for being part of the trip, for being part of the wonderful times i had. i love you!

PINGFANG. my dear roommate. thanks for putting up with my mess. thanks for taking such good care of me PSL! haha. thanks for listening to my rants and cries that night and talking to me and telling me all you said. you really comforted me and helped me get rid of my paranoia and fears. thanks for being so adorable and loving me for who i am. i love you too!

SUNCHAO. sabinasunchaoo. i sat next to you on the plane flight there. (and ye wei) and you were scared to talk to the guy next to you so i tried to break the ice. you're so cute and lovable, so DEH (or however you spell it). and thought it was annoying it made you who you are and your blurness was HILARIOUS and always made me laugh. your laughter is so contagious though it doesn't stop and of course, i love you. thanks!

ANZIE. anzie my darling you always give me sound advice you're like a mummy. thanks for taking care of me, thanks so much for playing with me and sitting with me outisde the cafe, talking, listening, and climbing on tables. thank you for learning to be yourself, because that's the way people like you best, that's the way you were created. cheers.

ANDREA. andrea the sexy ladehh. you are so thin. xD haha i remember you from the time we formed the 8 people group. you're always so giggly and smiley and girl, i'm glad you learn to be strong. you are the shopping queen i tell you and no offense but you're so gonna be a tai tai! haha.. but i love you anyhow!

MELODY. melodeeeee. you are so musical. xD you play the piano so well you have to teach me someday. joy BURSTS out from you and you bring out the child in me, running wild and free. you're so carefree and lovely, so darling. i love you because you gave me a sort of life, you helped me realise what i had in me. you helped my let loose and go crazy because that's what you are - crazy. thanks so much for being part of the most fun times i've had in taiwan. MUACKZ.

SERENE. serene!! jia gei wo!! haha no but dear your voice is so nice if you ever become a singer (which you must and not a tai tai) you have to remember ME in this trip. haha. though you're the same batch as me i never knew you before this and this trip has led me to you and i'm happy for that. you're so cool and pretty and you whack things so well. pingpong and badminton, i envy you. hahah. rock on babe.

SERENA. serena! you're so crazy sometimes. and though i don't really know you that well, i know you're someone who likes to keep on task and i really admire you for that. during the trip, our class competitions and stuff like that, you've been so involved and if not for you i wouldn't like to think of the ending. thanks!

WENDA. hello hamtaro! you are so CUTE and you have such a sexy voice. i've heard so much about you before this trip from the redcrossers and you have done your duty as a first aider well on this trip. thanks for being so adorable and lively, thanks for that big big smile of yours, thanks for being so sporting and not killing us for saying you look like hamtaro and stuff. you rock!!

KEVYNA. kevy you are so HOT. haha you sing so damn well and i 不得不爱 you. everyone loves you so much! you're so crazy and yet so focused. the karaoke competition would have been disastrous without the musical you so thank you for being a great leader. your hyperness makes me laugh so hard i train abs so thanks for brightening up the trip!

GERI. geri so man. hahaha. you sit next to me in class and you're so cool and full of attitude. sometimes you get crazy and do the bimbo cheer thing and it makes me laugh my head off.. you have nice shoes and thanks for letting me take pictures of them. xD you ROCK and i suggest you not spend so much on manga? hahaha i love you anyway. thanks for everything.

NAT KUAN. nat! i don't really know you so well, but i know you from prayer. keep shining for Christ and i know you'll go far! thanks for bringing ichigo to prayer. continue to grow in your walk with Him okay! and girl, please, keep staying out of topic. it's side splitting. =D

CHERIE NG. chiobu hotness.. haha. you're so cool and i love your dress sense. i think you're so pretty and nice! i don't really know you either but i know you're friendly and approachable and you're really spunky teen material =P thanks for filling up what would have been a void without you... rock on!

CHERIE FOO. my little silent killer. please get contacts. your eyes are gorgeous and behind those spectacle frames is a beauty. reminds me of princess diaries whenever i see you. haha.. anyway i'm glad for the step you took on the trip. grow in Christ and He will make your paths straight! stay happy and pretty. =)

JIE MIN. jasmin! thanks for sharing the same sentiments as me that kiatwee is so cute. haha i only talked to you in the last week of the trip and indeed you're a crazy girl, so full of life and spunk. thanks for comforting me on the last day of the trip when i was scared.. you're a pretty cool girl and keep singing cos your voice is so so nice. =D

AMANDA. crazy girl. i think that's the best description for you? haha. i only talked to you in the last week too, but before that i noticed you cos you're so tall. haha. you have a killer smile and those hyper moments i've seen from you have left me clutching my stomach laughing. your clothes are so nice! and thanks also for, like jasmine, comforting me when i was scared and sad yesterday. thank you for the smiles and i'm so glad i met you. =)

SHI HUA. hello shi hua you're such a nice girl and there's this aura of coolness about you. haha.. i think you make everyone around you smile and i would be scared of what the trip would have been like if you hadn't been there. thanks for the good times i remember you by and thanks for being so approachable and friendly. live it up!

KRYSTAL. pretty little girl who's in love with a starfish. xD i wonder why. ahhahaa. oh well krystal you are my neighbour! and a nice funny neighbour too. thanks for letting me in to my room through your balcony so many times and also thanks for letting me into your room from my balcony. haha.. yay you keep watching spongebob alright! there's a cute little starfish named patrick there too. =P

HUILING. milo girl! you even have a milo t shirt. haha huiling you have pretty eyes and you're so cute! at first i thought you were really really quiet and everything but you proved me wrong as you started to open up. also my neighbour, thanks for the afore mentioned and thanks for putting up with me bugging you to talk more. haha.. thumbs up dear.

AE RA. my korean girl! i have a korean fan. ahhaa. you're so funny and cute. and your clothes are SUPER cool. so funky and what you call that i dont know what. but they're so cool and stuff. you will be remembered for writing kim jung hoon's name on the blackboard for me haha.. rock on and stay as cool as you are! teach me korean some day! =D

TO: my HUNKS.

KIAT WEE. oooh so cuute. look it's stitch! haha. kiatwee! you have left a great impression on me and i thank you so much for letting me stick to you. sorry if i've been annoying though. but thanks for talking to me that night i really needed that and thanks for being so adorable and lovable however short your replies may be. your presence at prayer has been greatly appreciated along with the music you play! i remember one of the first times i talked to you was at the piano in the lobby and somehow i felt something in your eyes, something i could understand, and i thank you for letting me open up to you. thanks for everything. thanks for teaching me to swing the badminton racket right thought now i got muscle aches and thanks for always watching out for me when we're out. thanks for your jacket when i was cold, thanks for those understanding eyes when i was sad. thanks for acting cute with me and making me laugh all the time and i'm really going to miss being around you.. i wanted to hug you goodbye at the airport but you left early and i was sad but please please don't lose contact yeah?

JUNDA. junda my mama. haha. thank you for always being there to listen to me and watch me cry and thank you for always comforting me and stuff. you're so nice to talk to and i like the way you do everything. thanks for being so mature and gentlemanly however blur and stoney you may be. you've been one of those i like sticking to on the trip and thank you for taking care of me! thanks for teaching me to play ping pong which i still can't play very well but i'll practice. thank you for being so sporting and doing the bimbo cheer thing! and oh you're such a good listener i think you should become a counsellor of sorts. xD i'm very glad i met you on the trip because you're a new friend and i feel as if i won't lose touch with you. the things we've talked about on the trip have helped me to grow so much more and i'm really so happy to have met you. thanks.

MARVIN. marvin=) thanks for keeping my secret which ended up with everyone talking about it in the end. but you really rock and behind that mask i see someone else. you're so gentle and caring and though you spout a lot of nonsense in class, you make a lot of sense too. thanks for teaching me to play pool better and i will still imagine your fingernail there whenever i need to slice. thanks for taking good care of me and you are an amazing guy. though you're rich and everything you don't exactly flaunt it and i think that's cool. i wouldn't be your best friend when you're rich though, i'd rather be your friend now. thanks for being part of the trip and thanks for everytime i whacked you. thank you that your anger was mostly acted because i wouldn't know what to do otherwise. thanks for making lessons so much less boring and thank you for talking to me! i'm gonna miss you.

ZHENXIAO. my korkor. thank you so much for being so patient with me and though i know i take you for granted so many times, i really appreciate everything you've done for me. thank you for teaching me to che ling, thanks for taking such good care of me, always watching out for me, taking note of my well being, for always allowing me to bully you and everything else. thanks for never leaving me alone. thanks so much for sitting the merry go round with me that day, thanks for staying with me. thank you for all the fun times i had with you and though you've been gross and stuff, thanks for letting me be gross with you! i will miss having you around so much and i hope things will remain the same or better when we meet again in JC. and thanks for the shit monument by the way. =D

MINGXUAN. 猫王! your constant meowing has been amusing. thanks for letting me stick to you and your friends, i'm sorry if i've been an intrusion. thank you for the huge toilet roll that day when i really needed it even though you needed to shit. thank you for your care and concern and your falsettos are pretty good! i would be less scared of you if you cut down on your bouts of violent tendencies though. but thank you for always leading us back home when we're out and thanks for all the humourous comments and statements you make. thank you for always making me laugh at your antics and though i never really talked to you, thanks for always listening. you rock alright! and keep being as nice to your sisters as you are. there will come a day when everything you've down for them will be greatly appreciated. thank you for the time spent in taiwan. peace!

MINGQUAN. quan jie! i'll miss you so much. you're so funny and everything. and okay although i don't really know you well, i really want to thank you so much for your bravery during the karaoke competition thing. i'm glad you had the guts to do what you did and thank you for all the effort you put in. you sing quite well by the way, once you get the right key. =P keep up your acting and your enthusiasm and you'll go a long long way. thanks for letting me copy your script during the test and thank you for being so accepting of me and my ways. =P thanks for the memories you've given me in taiwan!

JINKAI. jinkai is the guy with the nice eyes and hands and eavenly voice. =) thanks for being so nice since i first talked to you in class and though i keep irritating you and bothering you i thank you for not screaming at me. but sorry if i ever got on your nerves too much it's just the way i am. thanks for letting me ogle at your paintings and art work you're really good at it. keep it up and if you ever become a famous artist or anything REMEMBER ME haha. no joking you don't have to. i couldn't believe you were sec 4 when you first told me but that's good cos you look young. but thank you for all your efforts in the competitions we had and everything. =)

XIANJIE. the tracker! hi i think you think i'm irritating too? haha oh well thanks for being in my class and for being so sportingand doing everything we tell you to do. you've added a lot of humour to lessons even by just sleeping. and thanks for the laughs and smiles, thanks for your hilarious jokes which you manage to keep a straight face at. and your face! thank you for your face which is so nice to laugh at because its expression never changes. even when you scream! yes thank you for screaming so well. it's the best scream ever. sorry if i ever bullied you! but thank you for everything you've done that made up for so much of the laughter during the trip. rock on!

YE WEI. ye wei! hahaha.. thank you so much for everything you've done on the trip. starting with being the first guy on the trip that i talked to in the plane! thank you for your friendliness and openness, thank you for always being there to cheer me up when i needed cheering. thanks for being so high and crazy with me when i needed someone to be high and crazy with me. you're so crazy but yet there's that deep side to you that is reflected in the songs you listen to, even in your emo playlist. xD thank you for all the hugs and smiles you've given me. though being close in proximity to you tires me out because of your energy, thanks for teaching me to be naughty and going into the guys' rooms past bedcheck. you should thank me for helping you with your class collage? haha kidding i was bored. but thanks for always being available and always believing in me. i love ya dude!

SHAWN AKA TAT CHERN. my second teddy bear. it appears my teddy bears are always really tall.. haha. thank you so much for talking to me over msn those times i felt so sad. thanks for the hugs you've given me and thank you for the smiles you've put on my face. thanks for always making me feel loved, and though i never really stuck to you, thank you for being so cute and helpful. and i would never go back on what i've said, that this shawn lee is the best shawn lee ever, better than the shawn lee in 小孩不笨. the BLING you wore before we left was so blinding though, but it looked cool on you just cos you're shawn. and what you wrote on my t shirt? i felt so touched by it! haha. you rock and you always will. i love you too!

YI NAN. whoaa cool hairr. haha. yi nan your hair never fails to amaze me. its ups and downs and various shapes and sizes. hahaha anyway thanks for being so nice to me and taking such good care of me. even when you were down i couldn't cheer you up but thank you for accepting me for the way i am. thanks for the laughter and tears and everything you've given me. thanks for letting me watch you play your chinese game thing and never ever shrugging me off. thank you for letting me know you even slowly, and thanks for being so open about religion and always respecting our feelings and sentiments. and i'll always remember you as the one and only KNIGHT. God bless you too. =)

HONGXIU. chiobu! you're so cute and adorable and nice! and though at first you were really shy and all that, thanks for finally opening up and being so friendly and approachable. you're a really funny guy and thank you for being so sporting and for all your efforts for our karaoke competition, memorising the lines and everything. you have nice teeth and you're damn chio! haha. 重金属 will never be forgotten and i thank you for bringing so much laughter and smiles into the trip. thank you for never being irritated by me and for always bring a smile to my face each time i see you. you're so adorable and please? don't listen to so much metal - your ears will burst one day - pop is waaay better it sounds nicer, at least it sounds like music! but anyway, do keep in touch. smile!

and the time we've spent with each other, for 29 days, 24 hours a day, will be remembered for years to come, as a memory, a dream that we lived together.

&thankYOU, all of you, for being there, for being part of OCAC.

师大华裔 GO GO GO, O-C-A-C 站站站!!

2006-12-11T09:25:00.000+08:00

NIHAO!

last night. I CRIED. now my eyes damn small. hahaha.

I THANK GOD FOR FRIENDS.
friends who care
friends who understand
friends who can help you
friends who listen
FRIENDS. REAL FRIENDS.

i found a new friend and FRIEND if you're reading! THANKS SO MUCH. sooo soooo much.

i feel so LOVED. =D anyway. i feel so blessed to have met you during this trip. unexpectedly.. i thought the friends i made here would just be.. fun friends.

BUT I MET YOU!!! yay. thanks. i dont know how to.. say it. but. it all feels so planned and worked out by God. this whole thing. because of last night i didn't get caught like some of the others which i would have been if not for you.

soo... the song..

I thank You Lord, for the trials that come my way...

it's so true. that with trials. God really. picks you up everytime you fall. and when you fall. you go higher by so much later on. YAY. time to go.

2006-12-05T20:27:00.000+08:00

I'M BLOGGING AGAIN.

i have been.. HALF HAPPY HALF SAD!

been happy the first half of the week. then since yesterday been sad.

ohwell i wont say why. nevermind.

LIFE KINDA SUCKS NOW COS I HAVE NOTHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO HERE. not anymore. not since the second half of yesterday.

damn and i'm not gonna sleep tonight. hope i have people to talk to...

i hope someone can stay up with me all night! don't have to know how to save a life.

i want someone to rely on
someone i can HUG all i want.
someone's that's not a toy.
someone that gives me hugs too.
someone who's the one i want to rely on.

I WANT MY DADDY. (no i'm joking. ok fine i do want my daddy but i want someone else too)

sigh anyway. we're going for bi ye lu xing tomorrow! 3 days 2 nights! and i hope it's gonna be fun. i hope i can spend QUALITY time with my new friends. i hope i'll be happy. like how i was in the start of the week.

ok byebye i'm gonna SURF.

2006-11-27T13:17:00.000+08:00

I HAVE A NEW KORKOR. another one. who's sec 3 too!!!! sorry jason. xD now you're not the one and only.

LIANGZHENXIAO YAY. oh yah he reminds me of everett. and everett's chinese name is xu jie wei. KIATWEE. hahaha FARNY. anyway. YESTERDAY WE WENT TO CLAY PLACE. and we made funny stuff. and then! i made a SHIT piece of art with zhenxiao. as in. piles of shit. xD my first gift from my korkor leh! so happy.

AND THAT FUNNY THEME PARK. and of course my korkor was SUPER NICE. haahahaha. i think i tortured him making him go EVERYWHERE with me xD xD i'm so mean. sigh anyway. he was super nice. grins.

then then. TODAY. in class. my zen DROPPED. >< then i was like pretending to sob. then zhenxiao said "don't worry meimei, korkor fix for you". and everyone in class was like EEEW and goosebumpsie. hahaha. damn gross. but i find it damn freakin funny.

yes anyway. i think i'm gonna go off soon. AND IT'S TIME TO CHEER MINGZHE UP!

MINGZHE I HUG YOU! yay. CHEER UP OKAY BOY. you rock! and we all love you!!!! =D TO FORGET YOU IS FOR THE SKY TO DROP DOWN HAHA. yay.

2006-11-22T19:43:00.000+08:00

hello i'm BACK again and i'm happier. sleepy though. there's prayer meeting later! whee. today was a fun day. kind of. lessons were as usual but we had ting xie and i got all correct YAY i think we all did xD but anyway then we went here and there and everywhere. some hot springs museum thingamajig. yea! i bought foody things to bring back. hope mum likes em i can't find the muachees. ><

haha anyway yes i have DARLING friends who cheered me up yesterday =D thanks guys!! HAHAH OH today. KIAT WEE DAMN FUNNY. lingmin and bird taught him how to say huanyingguaaaannglin in that ANNOYING act cute voice. kiatwee does it sooo well. xD super funny. and his frown ended up in a pout. xDxD we were like your eyebrows gotta get knotted up to frown then he said "cannot got wrinkle." HAHAHA super funny guy.

yup then on the bus i played the thumb game with ye wei and marvin. then came back stuffed the laundry in, watched bird ALMOST own marvin at pool (only she got the cueball in with the black one) then looked at the others eat their pao mian for a teeny bit of a while then came down here!!! whee.

mum and dad are on honeymoon HAHA. they went to eat scones with tea in a 150 year old german village. =P how SWEET. xD yah okay prayer meeting's about to start in about 15 mins wondering if i should ask ye wei to go whee. hope it'll be good and IMPACTFUL! =D all glory to God.. and the best is yet to be! xD hahaha no auspicium melioris aevi and filiae melioris aevi! hahaha. PATRIOTISM. winky.

2006-11-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

i'm emoing.

sigh DON'T ask me why. don't tell me don't emo. i feel empty. i feel stupid and empty and even though i have friends around me who care.

there just isn't someone who cares enough it feels like that. i have God, i have friends, i have the internet. but i don't know i just.. i want to cry to someone.. i want to cry on someone's shoulder. that someone... is so far away.

i wonder if you know what i.. mean. i wonder if you care. i wish i could have you but i can't. that's what i think and that's what i think you think. but i feel so lonely without you. i feel so.. silent.

i tried to focus on rationality but it didn't work out. nothing came out of anything. i don't have the courage to face you. the music in my ears block out the world around me. the screen i'm facing shields my eyes. i don't want to see the reality before me. but i feel nothing when you're not here with me. there's an emptiness in me, imprisoned by the power of what i never had. i want you to tell me what you're going through. but i know the only dream that matters wont come true. i needed to not have seen you that day. now i feel so alone i can't forget that feeling i felt when i saw your face through the heads of the crowds. sometimes i wish i never met you just so i wouldn't feel this way. but when i saw you for the first time you struck an impression no one else ever did before. it's not like you were gorgeous or anything like that but i didn't know. i never knew. but i cant help thinking. how much i wish you were here. how much i wish you could be here. how much i wish you'd be here forever.

shut up sandra go away put up that mask and enter the masquerade world. put up that wall and penetrate the fantastical facade.

what else is there to do?

2006-11-20T20:09:00.000+08:00

yay i'm in taiwan. nobody misses me. BUT NEVERMIND I HAVE NEW FRIENDS HERE. lalalala. life is good the com lab is good the pool tables are good the food is good the weather is good!! yay. but THEN. i miss everyone back home. =(

ah well. later i think we're playing mahjong! HAHA can you believe it i've been writing a DIARY. and keeping it. everyday. for the past. week. =P sad case and i'm getting sian of writing like why write when can SLEEP. okay anyway. i love the com lab.

the weather here is pretty nice cept for those days when it's sunny and hot. then it's really hot. and sometimes hotter than singapore. -__- what are the winter clothes for mann. take up luggage space. AND THEY MADE US BRING SCHOOL UNIFORM. for what. we wore that stupid yellow t shirt for opening ceremony. OKAY LINGMIN WANTS TO TYPE.

HELLO SANDRA'S BLOGREADERS. im freezing. and How to Save a Life is making me cry.

hahahahahahahahahaha i nearly got myself killed by Sandra :D okay back to Sandraaaaa.

HI. I'M BACK. i have very few blogreaders. TODAY I DID CHINESE PAINTING. FUN LEH ANYHOW PAINT. before that we were tying strings into balls. I TIED THREE! yay. they're nice i'm gonna give my sis one. =D

k bird and lingmin are typing on ye wei's msn and telling everyone he's gay. OH WE HAVE FUNNY NAMES FOR THE GUYS.

1. hong xiu is the metal guy/penguin.
2. marvin is the metal sucks/no such thing - obviously/adidas apron/humour rating guy.
3. mingquan is the chinese drama guy.
4. zhenxiao is the lu wei look-a-like. who looks better than the original.
5. kiatwee is the (cute) asshole.
who else is there. cant think properly nevermind.

those are only the not so mean ones. xD the next line is typed by lingmin.

nope it wasnt me! i told the people that bird was mean k. SANDRA YOU'RE MEAN.

k now it's me again. so many things to blog about leh! but cant think of anything when i'm really blogging. sigh suckers. okay.

anyway. the food in everywhere but the hostel rocks. lessons are easier than expected i think they think we're stupid. ><

i slept at 4.45 2 days ago cos i was doing laundry and i had to stay with lingmin who was sleeping on the pool table. xD super cute.

each class has 2 teachers and one of my teachers ~~sucks~~ and one REALLY REALLY ROCKS. i'm in the 2nd top class leh!! OUT OF 4. can you believe it YAY i rock. ahhaaha. okay i like my class. the people! and everything else. we are class 3! yay. haha.

I LIKE THE CHAIR I'M SITTING ON! IT BOUNCES.

ok that was random.

i think i should stop blogging already so long i havent finish yet. haha. k bye. TAKE CARE EVERYBODY.

2006-10-23T20:17:00.000+08:00

so the world has been good to me. hey dude, THANKS. =)

yesterday class sleepover. mahjong! haha played that the whole day/night. i'm so tired now, i don't even know if i'm awake or if this is a dream of some sorts. dazed. hhaha..

exams are over, and i'm glad. but after exams come a bunch of things. a BIG bunch of things. i have lots of training to catch up with. but i don't have the spirit, the motivation, the energy, to do just that - train.

no i'm not old. i'm still young and alive and kicking. but sometimes i feel drained. like what's the point in my doing all this? i don't know. there's a lot of stuff out there for me to learn, to find out, but right now i feel like just stopping here and resting. just this once this time. but if i rest, i would never have a chance to catch up again. the world keeps spinning no matter how much i want it to stop and wait for me.

selfish aint it.

right at this moment, i'm tired. physically. very tired. i could just close my eyes and WHAM on the keyboard i'll go. OFF into dreamland. wahaha. but i choose to do this. and the stupid lead camp packing list isnt attached though the thing says it is. -_- tell me if i looked in the wrong place. i can't even walk right, i realised. my grandma just called me and i walked into the wall.

back to the point, right at this moment, i don't feel like doing anything but sleeping. but i have a BIG BUNCH of other things to do. like finish up this stupid blogpost, bathe, a lot of things really. i can't remember. i wish i brought my notebook around with me today.

firstly, there's that whole shit load of stuff about the lead camp. i gotta go back on friday for the stupid belaying refresher course because i couldnt go today because i had to go for farewell assembly rehearsal. stupidity. friday. i wonder that time. gahh. i forgot.

that's the only thing on my mind now though i know i was thinking of a lot more stuff i had to check up on when i came on the com. strange. ><

crap i'm screwed i'm so damn bloody tired i hope when i wake up tomorrow i'll remember everything.

OMG I REMEMBER. yahoo groups. gmail.

oh crap and school training starts on the 30th, time for me to do NOTHING there again. why do we have school training anyway. why do i bother going - i can't remember. i bet i used to know. i bet i used to know a lot of things but recently my head's in a complete mess i don't know what's going on. it's like the mahjong game yesterday. i just kept thinking the game was.. clockwise. anticlockwise? clockwise? shrugs no diff.

wah life sucks when you sleep at 10pm and still not have enough sleep. life sucks when you sleep at 3am and still not have enough sleep. life sucks when you don't know what you're thinking.

life sucks when you have a senile grandma who's lying like sh!t about what the doctor is saying, while going to a bunch of different doctors to extort medicine out of them, almost everyday. life sucks when that senile grandma isn't saved and is showing signs of her end times. life sucks when you cant do anything about the STUPID situation. life sucks when that makes you all muddled up and exhausted. life sucks when in the middle of all this shit, you still try to make some sense and try to save some lives, some souls. life sucks when suspicion fills the air and so do excuses. life sucks. life really sucks. but somehow, someplace, somewhere, i manage to have a hope that life totally OWNS. that life rocks. that. i don't know, that i could do all those wonders i want to.

i wonder what will happen on that day. i really wonder.

2006-10-13T15:46:00.000+08:00

if you're reading this SOMEWHERE OUTTHERE.

you frustrate me really bad. i don't know what's wrong.

can you give me a reason? i hate to keep guessing and i can't even guess. i can't find a reason for this. and i really miss you. i hate it that our friendship came to this. WHAT HAPPENED. i really don't know at all. the time you have for me just.. diminishes. i'm saddened by that and i really want to be your friend again. but you have no time for me and you leave me hoping that one day you might have time for me again. i have been crying before i sleep, tearing when i think about it. i can't sleep well. i simply don't understand. i don't know what i did wrong. perhaps you find more solace in those your age. perhaps i'm annoying and bitchy. but am i? you always said i wasn't annoying. and no one's said i was bitchy since this year. what's wrong? have you know that without you i feel hopeless. useless maybe. you gave me a hope. big bright shining hope. what no one else could have given me. you told me to be strong and without your friendship i feel weak. you seem so far away now. so distant. and i hate it i don't know why. at least tell me why.. maybe then i could understand. your being there for me meant a lot to me, if you didn't know. your presence was a comfort, a source of strength. i wanted to be like you. i thought i could, if i tried really really really hard. you're a friend, a role model, a teacher, a mentor. and i really wanted to be like you. where have you gone? i've gone from being ignorant, to puzzled, to frustrated, to sad, to frustrated again and sad. puzzling about this. i want to tell you something. i'll be there for you when the rain starts to pour. i'll be there for you like i've been there before. i'll be there for you cos you're there for me too. but maybe you don't want me to be here? shrugs. tell me. i'll scram. i know i'm sticky, but i really need my friends. sorry if i caused you any trouble.. and to a small extent i hope you don't read this. but i hope you read this.

it was supposed to go on till you're 80.

2006-10-10T01:33:00.000+08:00

HAHA i saw this on too many friends' blogs. AMUSING it is. I SHALL DO IT TOO.

01) Single, taken or crushing?
SINGLENESS (Y)
02) Are you happy with your life now?
NO! exams hello? maybe after that.
03) When you meet the right person, do you fall in love with him fast?
am i supposed to know that?
04) Have you ever had your heart broken?
yes. pretty much. kinda. not really. do you count that?
05) Do you believe there are some circumstances where cheating love is acceptable?
nopeNOPEnopeeess.
06) Would you take someone back if he cheats on you?
if i say cheating is unacceptable? hmm. maybe if he repents. we should all be forgiven you know.
07) Have you talked about marriage with another before?
YES HAHA IT'S FUN.
08) Do you want children?
YES!!!! <3 kids.
09) How many?
shrugs. two? three? four? five max.
10) Would you consider adoption?
yupyup. if i cant have my own i.e. not married slash those other things.
11) If someone likes you right now,what do you think is the best way to let you know his feelings?
err i doubt it. pass.
12) Do you enjoy getting into relationship?
shrugs. never did.
13) Be honest,what is the furthest you and your ex did?
...
14) Do you believe in love at first sight?
nope. love is developed!!!! ><
15) Are you romantic?
my form/english/cle teacher says i am A romantic. lol.
16) Do you believe you can change someone?
YES I DO! but i dont think i ever managed it before/will manage it.
17) If you could get married somewhere, where would it be?
in church? hmm.
18) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
heh. not really. xD
19) Do you have feelings for someone right now?
yea. i feel for the people reading my blog. XP
20) Have you ever broken a heart?
maybe. perhaps. i wouldnt know how would i know shizz.
21) If one day your best friend falls in love with the guy you deeply in love with, what would you do?
interesting sexuality. my best friends are usually guys?
22) Are you missing someone now?
yea. i miss my pri school friends. the second primary school. i was too GONG from p1 to p3 xD

WHEE THAT WAS FUN. but i couldnt be that honest although some of the answers should be quite obvious in this STUPID blog. lol i have ants crawling all over me I DONT KNOW WHY this stupid place is infested. xD

byebye i go sleep.

2006-10-10T01:24:00.000+08:00

Note to the puppeteer:

I say you should hear the names that the voices in my head are calling you.

They call you a slave driver, they call you a murderer.

They call you a lover, saviour.

Love,
Me.

P.S.It makes sense to me.

2006-09-29T17:22:00.000+08:00

maybe it wasn't meant to be after all.

i'm caught in a spot i don't know what to believe i don't know what to do. i told you to come home but you wouldn't listen to me you wouldn't let me be. i tried to give you so much more but now i'm caught and i don't know what to say cos i can't tell you i didn't know it would be this way. i didn't know we would end up like this. i couldn't see what was in front of me. i never wanted to know this feeling. but i miss you so stop showing your fist. i couldn't be what you wanted from me. i couldn't fight it. and i don't see it now.

i know i should shut up and back off. but that's not possible because i can't bring myself to. you could go away. but that's not possible because you won't and i wouldn't know how to face it. i only imagine you. there. and me. wherever you are.

and regarding the other topic mentioned in that emo paragraph/lyrics. why is this happening? i don't really understand. i'm really stuck i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i tried to tell you it was wrong but i couldn't convince you. and i wouldn't be afraid to say that you really screwed it up that's what i feel.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and then the exams are coming. i'm super dead there's so much to do. i need some help. no not some. a lot of help. i got a feeling i can't pass chinese. if i don't, i probably have to get 4.0 for everything else just to get that 3.6 my dad wants. gah. i'm trying harder than i've ever tried. but i just can't do it. what will happen, i really don't know. i don't want to know. i can't wait for the EOYs to be over, yet i want them to last forever so i won't have to get back results. i'm glad monday's a holiday i have some time to think and catch up on the work i never intended to do. sigh. i'm a big screw up.

2006-09-22T23:13:00.000+08:00

i haven't updated in so long. mm life's been okay. today was a slack day in school thank goodness for that cos we were all half dead from sleeping late/not sleeping last night in order to chiong PTs.

mm my blog is a damn free gift. i should stop posting all my rubbish rants but then the purpose of having a blog would be defeated. i should post in ANALOGIES! i'm lousy at making analogies, but no harm trying!! =D

mm yes here goes. i saw a little spring, a spring of compassion, it burst into flames - there was an oil leak - i saw those huge puddles of oil. it was painful, that sight. it was as if that spring had turned to charcoal, ash blown by the wind. so quickly it happened - just one glance. the spring was squeezed dry; ended up in broken pieces over the floor. dehydrated, lacking..

i can't say more but Most importantly. something's wrong?

2006-09-18T19:46:00.000+08:00

I WANT THAT LITTLE RED MAN TO TURN GREEN.

!so he'll flash. LOL no.!

but then i wont use the opportunity to cross the road. i just wont i dont know why. i feel damn stupid? but then i wait for the green man to turn red again then i think about why i didn't cross the road? gahhhh.

analogies are stupid. but they work fine. sigh.

2006-09-17T20:56:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling pretty confused. i feel really happy and all that? but i feel self depreciative.

i want to embrace the passing moments but not what i conjure in my depths; i love every second of this time but i feel ethereality
i DONT KNOW. I FEEL LIKE SCREWED UP SHIT.

like i love everything around me but i hate what's in the center of it.

like i'm happy with things but not with myself.

like i'm a stupid piece of blubber waiting to be thrown away by a picky teenage schoolgirl. crap.

2006-09-14T22:21:00.000+08:00

i just saw that stupid thing gah i'm not happy anymore i hate you go away dont ever talk to me (i really want you to, it's just the pride).

you don't want to talk to me, do you? then dont. (just pull a veil over my eyes so i can't see that?)

shut up.

2006-09-14T21:17:00.000+08:00

I HAVENT BLOGGED IN SO LONG.

recently i've been pretty alright. happy? not too sure, but probably. =D

happier, that's for sure. although i have PT deadlines coming up REALLY soon, i feel less frustrated! (Y)

yes very good. yay.

no one reads my blog no more lol *shrugs* not interesting i suppose boring person i am lalalala. i should write more of my emo poetry xD

RS! HAHAA. last thursday! nat and i saw jay lim! karaokeing in lws school! hahaha. super funny. he's gonna be our instructor in about 3 weeks' time i think! (Y) YAY. exciting. imagine a horde of RG girls running after jj to the music room. xD

haha so funny. anyways! i've pretty much finished my physics PT. got one page of the pamphlet which is completely random but ahwell it's funny. =P i'm almost done with chem!!! =D SO HAPPY. left SS which is, really, the killer.

but anyway!!! =D i shall go finish up my chem then i'll feel even more happy! yay.

2006-09-09T22:45:00.000+08:00

i'm getting distracted. by things on this stupid computer. i do anything but work. i play MINESWEEPER. i play ICY TOWER. i go on msn. i blog hop. i look at pictures. i delete stuff that are taking too much space in the com. i BLOG. and those two documents on my taskbar only get touched when my mum comes in. gahh. i'm so irritating. i need to learn how to focus. stuff keeps going through my brainless head. i keep thinking of things. sad things, happy things. happy things are run over by the sad things? and i can't help it. a happy thing links to other things which always eventually leads to a sad thing. and ARGH. i can't stand it much. it's really GAH-ing me. happy things like WOW i got to the 3rd stage in icy tower finally, i got 100 combo, i got my high score 11000 something. but then sad things come along and i'm reminded i have lots of work to do? happy things are often stupid you realise. but stupid things make us happy many times. stupid lame jokes make us laugh. games are in a way, stupid, and they help us have fun. water, is pretty stupid, but it keeps us from falling sick and people are mostly happier when they're not sick? even stupid things like talking about how stupid things make people happy makes people happy cos it's kind of a way to vent stuff. like now. gah i have to do the physics PT by tonight. or i will seriously kill myself. the thing is the instructions are so vague. explain what a sonogram is and how the image is produced by applying understanding of waves. i can do that in what, one paragraph? sound waves come from the transducer of the ultrasound machine, and reflect off different surfaces with different intensities, and by the amount that reflects off and the time taken for the waves to be reflected, they ultrasound machine's CPU can calculate the nature of the medium the waves are passing through. points are "plotted" on a graph as to where the waves are reflected, and subsequently an image is produced and shown on the ultrasound machine's display monitor. THAT'S ALL. what else is there to say? gah. i'm pretty frustrated. more with myself than anything else. you know i used to think i was a smart girl. maybe i am, but it's not showing. smartness doesn't help much, it's true, that hardwork, perserverance and initiative are the only things that count. i can see it so extremely clearly for myself, and i still don't do anything about it. there's the lack of initiative. then when i do get on to something, i do it mindlessly for a bit. there's the lack of hardwork. then when i really do try hard, i don't try long enough. there's the lack of perserverance. thus i will not succeed in life. my whole life, everything's been prepared for me. people tell me, i do. if there wasn't anyone around right now, i would really be just a floppy lifeless puppet, no backbone, no muscles, nothing. i need a backbone, seriously. i have no self control, no discipline, no responsibility, no sense of time and urgency, no willpower, no confidence. gahh.

2006-09-07T22:58:00.000+08:00

i keep thinking about you, you moron.

worse still, i bet i haven't even annoyed you in your head.

can you just stop popping up in mine?

you're so IRRITATING.

2006-09-07T18:55:00.000+08:00

i know you don't give a damn? but i don't give a damn about your not giving a damn.

i'll just wait here till you start bothering.

i'll wait and i'll wait and i'll wait and i get really lonely but i'll still wait.

hopefully.

you're just amazing to me.

2006-09-04T20:01:00.000+08:00

we had a story.

i'm sorry.

2006-09-02T23:21:00.000+08:00

HELLO EVERYBODY I'M OKAY!

=(

everyone's gone away! everyone's going away!!!!!

cries.

even my dad and my bro are going off to manila for mmr on tuesday.

my kor is in hk!
my buggee is in vietnam!

dies dies dies. i'm gonna be so bored with no one to bug and whatnot. and spam.

*looks at naomi*
*turns around and looks at. erm. xuan lang?*
*turns again and looks at daniel*
*turns head up and looks at wee hsuan*

*shakes head*

NO ONE COMPARES TO MY KOR AND MY BUGGEE.

cries.

2006-09-02T00:14:00.000+08:00

i don't really understand you. though i really want to. i wish i could really be there for you. i don't care if it's unfair to me or not. you always seem so.. confused. the confusion feels familiar to me. i think i've felt it before but i'm not sure how i delt with it? i want to help you but i don't know if i can. in many ways we're similar but in that one particular key factor, we're worlds apart.

*shrug* i don't really know what to do.

!!!! i'm like that but actually mostly i'm ...... and i'm not. .... but you're like that. and i can't make you (!!!)

i'm incoherent and all but you understand me. I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND YOU TOO.

but you're so hard to understand cos you're all that.

i know i'm weird. so are you. and are you... back?

are you... there?
are you.. you?

2006-08-29T19:10:00.000+08:00

i havent posted a real post in a long time. ahwells.

i will!

today has been a good day.

ENGLISH EXPO IS OVER! =D i am so happy you won't believe it.
oh and today i zaoed from RS early, went for some briefing and form taking for that taiwan thing. i think i'm freaked out by the taiwan thing already. >< we'll be learning chinese the whole day. i'm SO dead.. but! let's look on the bright side! maybe my chinese will improve! wonderfuls.

haha. nevermind expo is over i screwed it and all but at least it's over i can't worry about it anymore.

bleah. i want to change my template. when i'm free-er maybe. mm. holidays are coming. but i think i'll be busier during the holidays than now. a lot of things to do.. =( makes me wonder why holidays are called holidays.

AAAHH. holidays! i have RS on the same day as my piano exam. CRIES. i hope i dont miss RS.

ahwellss.. what can i do if i have to. =(

nevermind today's supposed to be a good day! i'm happy! whee. later my parents going for cellgroup. =] some privacy for a short while..

haha yes i feel bored. there isn't anyone online. maybe i should bathe first. mm. good idea. i shall bathe after i finish this post. and yes i'm quite happy cos people are blogging (at least a little bit) in the shooting blog!

oh and i kinda just "heard" that 3 people - unexpected (by me) ones - were asked to go for interview for RI shooting captainship. and peng was one of them. PENG. as in zhou penghui? yes. HORRORS ri shooting is going to die! DIE! DIEEE! compared to jy.. ah no one can compare to jy. he's proded. ><

ah my dad has to make me feel unhappy again. he just came in and gave those resentful sarcastic laughs. he's so weird. ah nevermind i should really stop complaining i think complaining is bad for health!

YAY EVERYBODY LET'S DRINK MORE WATER!

2006-08-27T22:05:00.000+08:00

You Are 70% Psychic

You are pretty psychic.
While you aren't Miss Cleo, you've got a little ESP going on.
And although you're sometimes off on your predictions...
You're more often right than wrong
So go with your instincts - you know more than you think

Are You Psychic?

okay so maybe i'm not as psychic as i make myself out to be. XD but ahwell. blogthings are fun. let's do more!

You Are 88% Pure

You're so innocent, it's almost like you're not human.
Taking this test is probably the naughtiest thing you've done in a while!

How Pure Are You?

HAHA imagine that. i'm really pure! and more!

You Are 10% Left Brained, 90% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning.Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others.If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic.Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet.
The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility.Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way.If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art.Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

hey that's not fair i like dogs. ><

You've Changed 48% in 10 Years

You've done a good job changing with the times, but deep down, you're still the same person.You're clothes, job, and friends may have changed some - but it hasn't changed you.

How Much Have You Changed in 10 Years?

yay i presume that's a good thing. OMG blogthings is so fun. *free advertisement*

You Are 24% Shy

You are slightly shy, but overall, your reactions to social situations are normal.
You dread difficult social situations, but you still handle them with grace.

How Shy Are You?

woohoo. i thought i was shy. i think i've changed over the many many years since i really was shy. =D

You Are 24% Paranoid Schizophrenic

You're pretty grounded, though you have your occasional paranoid moments.
Just make sure to ignore those voices in your head!

Are You A Paranoid Schizophrenic?

YAY i'm not that crazy. whoo. i think. the picture doesn't really suit that result. but anyway. it's just a random blogthing! =D

You Are Batman

Billionaire playboy by day. Saving the world by night.
And you're not even a true superhero. Just someone with a lot of expensive toys!

What Superhero Are You?

technically i cant be a billionaire playboy cos i'm not a boy? and i'm not the equate of the opposite sex either. -___-

ahwell that ends my quest for nice blogthings i got bored. ><

i shall go search on waste management.

2006-08-26T23:30:00.000+08:00

you don't know what i feel do you?
in the shadow of your pride
in the shadow of my pride
we both don't know.

it's painful, this.
you never fail to upset my balance
the balance i create
when i feel like everything's upside down.

the world overturns again
swimming in dark water

i struggle to find my footing
only for a current to sweep it away
a current - words
tonality of that sound.

a warm gentle current pushes me back up
catches me as i fall
enfolds me in comfort
surrounds me with peace

but the harshness of the cold water
pounds against my body
despite the blanket
beating, punishing

it seeps through me
stealing the warmth in me
rivers out of me, erodes
crevasses scarred deep

life prevails, deceives me
cons me of my emotions
extorts serenity, joy, love

and dimensions unfold
but i find myself lost
in the mazes laid before me

can you tell?

2006-08-24T22:40:00.000+08:00

i'm practicing for my speech.

i'm practicing for my speech.

i'm practicing for my speech.

i'm practicing for my speech.

yes i am.

i'm practicing for my speech.

i'm getting quite bored. but i guess i have to you know. it's tomorrow.

i'm practicing for my speech.

hmm. i wonder what everyone else is doing. but i know..

i'm practicing for my speech.

i'm practicing for my speech.i'm practicing for my speech.i'm practicing for my speech.

i'm practicing for my speech.
i'm practicing for my speech.
i'm practicing for my speech.
i'm practicing for my speech!!!!!

2006-08-22T19:59:00.000+08:00

today did lsl! so funn.

i feel so happy helping to deliver the food. =D

haha we did the outskirts delivery today! went to bendemeer road and whampoa. was quite slack though. not as tiring as the toa payoh one. AT ALL. super slack.. sat in bus most of the time. half the time in fact. especially the trip to whampoa! took like.. 45 mins? damn long. oh but then there was this group of gangster-ey people smoking and drinking near this block we delievered food to. one guy asked us which school we're from then evee said lai fo shi. then after that i said my mummy said not to talk to strangers! then she said later they beat us up. so i suppose that it was a good idea to tell them where we were from. >< what can they do..? hmm. ah well. it was a bit scary cos when we came out that guy was kinda staring at us? evee seemed more scared than me so i let her walk on the side further away from them xD

but ya it was fun. enjoyed today pretty much. RS was quuiite interesting cos we had a music arrangement talk from this pro arranger called derrick chua? or derek chua? however you spell the derrick. quite funky i suppose. but he was SLIGHTLY boring telling us about his stories with stars and producers etc. =P he's good friends with huang yida! how cool is that. okay nevermind. not cool.

anyway. i think today was a relatively good day! =D

am i boring you? (not my fault you chose to read my blog) if i am sorry. i have no jokes to tell. but i have info! bus 21 takes really long to get from the bendemeer area to the whampoa area. i should go search an alternative method.

okay i should go do maths. i'm quite scared for maths cos usually during maths i feel kinda smart cos i know how to do, but today i didn't know how to do and i felt stupid and cos of that i'm scared. ><

ah well. i go now byebye!

2006-08-20T16:42:00.000+08:00

that was so emo. *points at previous posts*

i feel a LOT better today!!

thanks naomi leonard ken carol!

the great and wonderful people who talked to me yesterday when i was feeling sadddd. thanks. naomi who tried so hard to cheer me up and got sad cos i didn't get cheered up thanks and i'm sorry. leonard who tagged nice encouraging stuffs and is available to BUG anytime. ken who talked to me until 2.56am despite my phone's greatness. carol who shared my sentiments and tried to help me feel like there was someone there who "knows the feeling".

i feel blessed.

anyway. church was okay today. pastor christopher chee preached his message: quit! quite funny towards the end when everyone was enjoying saying "sucker". cos he said that satan likes sucking us into the world. hahaha. funny dude.

i shall complete next week with optimism and happiness! or try to. smiling everyday isn't easy but we can all try!!!!

2006-08-19T22:45:00.000+08:00

read my nick. stop pretending.

trying.

somehow it doesn't work anymore.

it's the pretence i tell you. i hate it.

it really spoils everything for me.

if not for it, the world would feel like heaven right now, but it doesn't.

i wish there wasn't the pretence. at all.

all that. it was a pretence. it was planned. it was what you were told to do, asked to do.

i really hate it. i really detest it. i can't believe the superficiality.

stop it. just forget it. i'm trying to just completely FORGET my STUPIDITY and no one's helping.

and i'm crying like shit in front of the computer now and i feel really stupid cos my mum's going to come in and not even notice. my dad came in. sat down behind me and he didn't notice. my sister came in, looked at my dp and didn't notice either.

you may get it, but. pretence. it breaks my heart.

really.

why not you just stop it altogether.
i already know what's behind the facade.

2006-08-19T16:52:00.000+08:00

i haven't seen you in a long time
but i don't miss you
i don't know you
but i don't want to

you don't really care about me
but neither do i care about you
what the hell are you talking about
i don't actually care much

you're a really nice guy
but i don't think so at all
you don't talk much
but i want you to shut up anyway

i wish you would just go away completely
cos sticking around won't do you any good
it won't do me any good
i don't want to care about you
just leave if you want to
go away leave me alone

i really really hate you.

can you tell the lies apart?

2006-08-17T19:35:00.000+08:00

i think people who read my blog would think i'm a mood swingy nutty person.

state of euphoria: HAHAHA I FEEL SO HAPPY NOW.

today, is the happiest day of my life.

CHINESE PT IS FINALLY OVER.

LIKE WOWWWWW. and it wasn't too bad either. =D elated. ecstatic. exhilatarated.

=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D

phew. ohwell. physics SPA was REALLY screwed. -_- but nevermind. chinese pt is over.

HAHA something funny happened. my dad called 1777 and said "hello may i have the number for scanteak?"

..hilarious. but embarrassing i suppose.

and today in school. the staffroom @ queen was evacuated cos of bees. then (i don't know who) came and told us not to open our windows. and then they fumigated the place! then it stank. then joyce said she was going to die of suffocation. yes, joyce. the one who said ever so innocently: "potassium is a metal?"

it's kinda been a great day. i wonder why i've been having an up down up down thing regarding my spirts for the past 4 days.

my bro is back!!!!!! from reservist. =D he bought us some REALLY cool stuff that's sooo cute. so funny. basically mine are marshmallows, but the packaging is that, of SANITARY PADS. and it's sophie brand. cheater. xD he bought my sister plasters (chocolate).

amusing... and he's SOO black, when he came out of his room i started laughing cos i'm facing it and he COMPLETELY blended in with the door.

okay that's mean but i have sharon sits next to me.

i mentioned so many names in my post today! oh dear. but nevermind! i feel happy. =]

2006-08-16T19:21:00.000+08:00

I HATE IT.

I HATE THE WAY YOU NEVER PRAISE ME WHEN I DO SOMETHING RIGHT.
HOW THE ONLY THING YOU SAY IS "okay" WHEN I GET 34/35 FOR MATHS.
HOW YOU GO ON AND ON SAYING "I TOLD YOU SO" WHEN I'M WRONG.
HOW YOU KEEP SAYING I'M DOING NONSENSE WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M DOING.
HOW YOU GET SO SARCASTIC WHEN I ALREADY FEEL LIKE CRYING.
HOW YOU GO "now you cry, i told you..." WHEN I DO CRY.

how i never ever ever get ANY encouragement.

DON'T YOU GET IT
all i need is understanding.
sympathy.
ENCOURAGEMENT.

i really hope i'm never like that when i become a parent.

my kids would hate me.

2006-08-15T19:25:00.000+08:00

i'm finishing up the last bit of our chinese PT! =D doing the ppt and stuff. so happy. tomorrow hand up!

then after that i go do the maths assignment which i probably wouldnt know how to do considering my dumbness. XD

ohwell. i'm happy. slightly worried about my english oral next week cos i'm really bad at writing speeches. okay i'm really bad at writing anything other than weird random stuff.

whee. nevermind i'm happy today. you see how emo i was yesterday? it was a really bad day. i forgot to pray th night before!

but today! =D last night i said sorry then i prayed and then today was a good day. funny how sometimes the little things you do, God sees and notices. funny how He really treasures the time you spend with Him. funny how we don't realise this and think He's being mean. funny how we don't realise that all He wants is for us to communicate with Him and build our relationships with Him.

funny how all the good things come, right when we ask Him and trust Him.

FUNNY HOW I'M TYPING SO MANY FUNNY HOWS. =P

2006-08-14T22:10:00.000+08:00

the worst is yet to come.

i'm afraid of what may come, i really am. though it is for you, i do not know my footing. i lose courage and my knees buckle. i don't know what i can do to change this.

i don't know what is to come, i don't know why this happens.

i've given up trying because everything i do is useless, fruitless, senseless, hopeless, resultless.

sometimes i don't understand myself.

i'm sorry if i caused any trouble.

I'M GONNA FAIL CHINESE PT!!

2006-08-14T21:19:00.000+08:00

DEATH HAS BEFALLEN ME.

it's a disease. epidemic. disaster.

2006-08-14T15:51:00.000+08:00

truth sets us free, but every so often it hinders us.

i hope emotions are but a lie, as the truth will bind me and keep me from my mind, my flight. i hope hearsay does not drain, life and truth, emotion, sanity. i hope this fails us not, deception does not hold, acknowledgement is not grasped. i hope nothing abates to nothing, surrender is not defeat, defeat is not loss. what do you know now?

surrender.

2006-08-13T01:27:00.000+08:00

hello i'm back again. currently writing the end part of the individual part of my PT.. *feels accomplished*

i was just thinking. i had something to blog about earlier on today but didn't find the time to. it's kind of "complaining" about my parents, but it applies to others in general too.(i was quite pissed at that time)

sometimes i really HONESTLY think that my parents are naive. despite their many years of experience in this world, i'm a 100% sure they haven't seen much of what i've seen. they're only so-called "experts" in their own fields, my dad's business background, my mum's.. shopping? background and her hard life as a kid.
sure, they know what's going on in the world, but somehow they're still stuck at where they used to be. they don't know what's going on in society nowadays. they don't know much about teenagers now. yes, they were once teenagers and they've been through "everything", but they haven't been through the things happening in this day, the struggles suffered by teenagers now.
they think it's a really big deal that someone has anorexia. but it's almost commonplace fare. teenagers suffer depression. they ask "why", blinded, ignorant.
they hardly know what pressure we have in today's society, especially in education. they think it's the same because we're all smarter than they were generations before. they say "i could study, i could pass chinese, why can't you?" they say "even your sister passed chinese, you cannot?" they say "how can anyone fail english?"

i try to explain to them, but as mentioned, they're still stuck in where they used to be, what they imagine things to be like. unfortunately, the world's not so nice anymore and people don't all pass english, you can't just MUG for chinese and pass.

it's different. and they don't really know.

i think they even think i'm always happy and carefree, i have no worries, i have no plans for myself.

three words: they know little.

frankly, i hope that, in the future (if there is one), i will be able to change with the times. i hope that i'll understand. i hope that i'll know what really is going on.

i guess i can only hope. a fragile thing, hope is.

2006-08-13T00:18:00.000+08:00

i am telling everyone on this earth, PLANET SHAKERS RULE. ultraviolet!

HAHA i was sticking to my kor the whole night cos i didn't exactly know anyone else. okay i did but they knew the people i didn't know. and well. MY KOR ROCKS.

i think today's experience was good, but probably not great. the spiritual impact wasn't there, and i suppose it was just a fun time.. jumping, worshipping, praising.. i didn't really feel God's presence there no matter how many times the preacher said It was. It probably was. He probably was there. but i couldn't feel it.. and that's just really sad.

BUT ANYWAY. i drank pepsi!

ok random. i'm doing my chinese PT now so i think i should shut up and do. such a short short post. i have stuff to write, but that will be in my diary and not for the whole world to see. xD

2006-08-12T11:36:00.000+08:00

whee. yesterday my sister had her birthday party! and i finally met her bf HAHA. but so did my parents. xD no offense, but he's such a SOFTIE. he didn't know how to start up the barbeque, light the fire starters (he took the match out for goodness' sake), etcetc. but he helped my sis chop veggies. -__- riiiiggghtt. okay i'm being mean but nevermind. he's easy to bully.

but no la he's actually very very nice. even though it was the first time i ever saw him or talked to him, when i did talk to him it felt as if i'd known him for a long time now. i thought that was cool. i could even scream his name to amplify my mum's calling him and tug at his shirt and whine. HAHAA. but i thought that was really cool.

my sister has a few FUN friends. both guys and girls!! sadly, it so happens i only talked to them at night. so i was quite bored almost the whole time there. haha yup. i tell you there's this guy named jon kwok. he's HILARIOUS. and he agrees with me (somehow)! that people get more boring as they get older (he's kinda "old" too). but he's super funny. i was going on about how i have no life then all of them were trying to convince me to enjoy my life in secondary school. THEN my sis came over and said something about maple and how i could complain i have no life when i keep playing maple (technically i don't KEEP playing maple). then jon kwok was like "IT IS NO LIFE MANN!!" haha. funny right. then he was doing weird stuff and making me copy his actions. then they were arguing whether i looked more like p6 or sec1. -__- and THEN. that ex-rg gep girl came! then jon kwok pointed to me and said "she's mini you!" then she said must enjoy my life in RG cos secondary school years are the best years in your life. and i looked at her and said "but i don't like it" in this whiny tone. then everyone laughed. i didn't get the joke... ohwell. she was from ODAC! xD

ohwell it was quite fun towards the end when i started talking to that bunch of funny people. but initially, it was. draggyyy.=(

BUT I LOVE YOU SISTAAA. YOU DA BEST. XD rock on okay!! *hugss* and happy birthday! i think it was a happy one wasnt it! =D glad for you! haha. and i hope i helped.. =)

2006-08-11T14:25:00.000+08:00

=D i created a shooting blog! for rgshooting! =D=D=D=D=D

it's at http://shootmedownbad.blogspot.com and SOO many people haven't accepted the invite! =(

haha. i think it's cool to have a blog for the club. so i copied the rjshooting people. but sadly the skin sucks =(=( i will try to make it better! hopefully.

YAY. i'm having lunch now. i realised recently i've been eating really really really really slowly. even slower than my mum. who eats really realy really slowly. is that good? my tummy gets filled faster too.. sigh.

but nevermind. yesterday was a memorable day. i felt something i doubt i've ever felt before.. at first i didn't know what it was at all. then after i moped around a bit i realised what it was. utmost respect and admiration.. and for those i've told, you know! but the rest of the world doesn't so yup. the feeling was really weird. ahwell...

tomorrow's my sister's birthday. but her party's today. 21st birthday.. amazing. i feel really happy cos she liked the present i got for her and she was so happy when she saw it i feel so happy too. and i feel quite bad because today's supposed to be "dedicated" to her but then.. i'm kinda doing my chinese PT and stuff and i haven't managed to help her out at all. i hope today's a good day for her cos she's been a great sister, a wonderful friend, a caring mentor, a listening ear, a wonderful source of snacks and everything i could ask for in a sister. despite our MANY differences, we've never really quarrelled and i have her to thank for that, her being the elder sister, and i really really love her. it's quite hard to imagine that she's 21 now.. it seemed so recent that she was still playing pretend with me, having "camp-outs" under tables with blankets draped over. a few years back i couldn't believe she was going to JC. because just another few years before my brother was in JC and he seems so much older. but time passes by with no one noticing and now she's 21 - adulthood! she's grown so much over the years, that even my 6-year-younger eyes notice the change. to me she's all ready to fend for herself in this world no matter how my parents think otherwise, and basically all i really want to say is, happy birthday jie! =]

i should go finish eating now. blog again sometime.

2006-08-09T19:55:00.000+08:00

i think.. i think... i think....

i don't think.

SIGH. chinese PT will die. i'm very scared.. i really can't fail chinese anymore. as long as i pass i have HOPE of getting 3.6 and HOPE of a LIFE. i really hope things work out fine though i think my horrible chinese would screw up everything and that's.. sad. argh. i can't stand it. nevermind. i felt quite happy this morning then after piano i didn't feel so happy anymore now i feel stressed up and depressed. =P

ah nevermind. i want to DIE. no i don't. life is a wonderful thing that we shouldn't give up just like that.

mm. i have those smiley things on my elbow that doesn't become a sad face when i straighten my arm. i think i should learn from it. it's kinda like i shouldn't get discouraged no matter how STRETCHED i feel. xD

alright i'm starting to feel lame again which is good. heehee. oh yea.. to someone out there. you wouldn't know who you are, but erm. nevermind. clams rule.

NDP's on tv now. wish i could watch but i'm here feeling sad. i think it would waste more time watching than if i finish this post and start on my PT.

sometimes i really hate school.

yet other times i love school.
especially for giving me my friends and my cca. and my friends from my cca. and the other friends i made from being in my cca.

sigh.

i like my playlist.

2006-08-08T21:10:00.000+08:00

i'm DEAD. CHINESE PT. DEAADDD. i think i'll go do after i blog this. hahaha something funny happened yesterday!! at SAFRA!

i was glaring at a certain J2 person that coach was giving massage to. xD
THEN she said something like my 胆子很大. 看大哥哥看到这样. then she went on to say sandra naughty girl.

SO FUNNY.

okay anyway. things were not all good and sunny though.. i think i made a mistake. it's a mistake that has little or no chance to be corrected by us for the next one year, and by then things may change and not allow me to correct the mistake i made. i hope things work out.. it was a grave mistake that might even affect out entire club. the effort we are trying to put in, to help the club, it may be smashed by that one mistake. if not smashed, the effect of our efforts may be greatly decreased. ultimately there is a negative impact, and it could have been avoided, if we had put more thought and care into our decision.. if only we had a chance to observe the situation for a longer time. i don't know how it would be, though. i just really hope that the mistake can correct itself and not wait for us to remove it. but i don't know if that's possible.

but ahwell, looking on the bright side (which is what we should ALL do), we brought the sec1s to SAFRA. i'm not sure how they feel about it though. we gave them a pep talk thing in that dark corner at the end, and i think there was a major impact on their attitudes towards shooting. that's good. =]

so i guess i should just forget the bad stuff for the time being. haha.. you know, my phone wallpaper says "just forget it". haha it's good regarding emotional matters, but not others. i've been forgetting a LOT of things lately. haha it's quite funny to a certain extent. but not very funny sometimes. i even forgot to pass the interhouse results and stuff over.. =( feels guilty.

ohwell today was national day celebrations. it was quite fun i think. funner than i remembered it to be last year. maybe it was the company and my mood. =] after that there were speech day rehearsals (i think receiving prizes is troublesome) which lasted until about 2pm. then i went with a TALL person to go walk around orchard and buy my sis her present! =D

found this AMAZING bag shop. imitation but good. =D cheap too. haha got one for my sis then i felt bad so i got her shorts too. (hopes she doesn't read this till she gets the present) xD but it was fun i guess. walking around. the first part wasn't cos we couldn't find anything suitable. =P HAHA then tall person's friend RX was in heeren (where we also were) with his friends then we started playing cat and mouse. up and down the escalators just so we could LOOK DOWN at the other group from the higher level. it was SO funny.

and tadaa there they are the lead characters. WE WON.
well yes anyway i gotta zao and do my pt. =D

2006-08-05T22:17:00.000+08:00

OKAY technically, i can't go for RS on tuesday cos the stupid speech day rehearsal ends at 3, which is the time RS ends. WOW. sigh. i think speech day rehearsals waste a lot of time. i mean, from 10am to 3pm isn't very short.

anyway. i feel REALLY REALLY stupid. i didn't bring home the books for my chinese PT again. and we're meeting tomorrow. great. now we have to do it by memory. sighhh. i'm so dumb! and careless and forgetful and muddleheaded and everything else. =P

i can't wait for tuesdayy!! i hope we have enough ties... i realised dad only has one really RED tie. the other two solid reddish things are rust/maroon coloured. then there's those reddish things which patterns. there's one with like black stripey things. which is cool! so i have about 4 "red" ties. =D

i have nothing much to blog about.. met up with my friend on yesterday after school. had lunch at macs at bugis. after 5 and a half years. amazing. i'm jealous everyone's so tall! but then again he was always tall. since 5 and a half years ago. he was on the top row in the class photo! XD

okay random. today MS was interesting. they'd been doing this for the past two weeks but i didn't go the past two weeks cos i had tuition. anyway. it was interesting. but i didn't feel the impact during healing.. i only felt something during the message about how what we think controls our lives. Proverbs 23:7 (KJV) says, for as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.

4 functions of the mind:
1. memorizes
2. imagines
3. recalls and replays
4. forgets

Pastor Rony mentioned that sometimes we embelish a thought - we imagine, we tweak it such that we convince ourselves into believing an imagination, by obssessing over it. while people think about bad things, when people expect the worst to come, we become what we think of. in a way, we prophesize our future in our heads. Some people mix memories from reality with their imaginations, and are blinded as to what is the truth - what really did happen, and what did not.

tell you the truth, i do that. i think of things, i remember them. then i forget which one really happened. it's a bit screwed, but i can't really do much about it. thank God the things in my life aren't really that important yet. i still have time to change things..

and Pastor highlighted forget. our mind has the ability to forget things, so we should forget what we ought to and remember what we ought to. take for example a heartache. the pain, the agony, the torture and suffering that one goes through in a heartbreaking moment. some people would say they can never forget it. but actually you can. you may never forget the person and what the person did, what you did, etc, but you forget the pain. it's something.. we ought to forget. because it only pulls us down.

so in conclusion, let's all forget the bad things, remember the good things. look FORWARD to the future, expect a victory, and with God's joy as our strength, we will ultimately live a happy, rich and fulfilling life.

=D i think i like MS a lot.

2006-08-03T20:35:00.000+08:00

whee. GEOG IS OVER. CHINESE IS OVER.

okay 2 down, 3 projects, 1 oral, 1 expository essay to go.

=D

nevermind i'm still happy.

haha NAOMI IF YOU'RE READING THIS GUESS WHY I'M HAPPY. xD
clams rule.

mmmmmmmhmmmmmm. i feel good nanananananana. knew that i would nanananananana.

today interhouse was good! everything went smoothly. results are out! =D okay i calculated the results.

Club Members:
1st: waddle
2nd: tarbet
3rd: buckle
4th: hadley
5th: richardson

(i'm only sure about 1st and 2nd though)

Non-Club Members
1st: buckle
2nd: waddle
3rd: tarbet
4th: richardson
5th: hadley

yes. so waddle kind of rocked. but i still dont really like waddle. i dont like yellow! i want to be in richard!! blue is such a rocking colour. like MORRISON. so many nice people are in morrison..

ahwell that's not the point.

mm. next week's a relatively busy week despite the holidays..
after celebrations there's speech day rehearsals (which are, by the way, wasting my time! sometimes i'd rather not receive anything. =P). then i gotta go to the lee wei siong school of music for RS. hrm.. still need to compose the song.

wednesday i have piano in the morning! then national day. thursday not much though. maybe i have LSL. anyway. then friday i have my sis' birthday. saturday. PLANET SHAKERS WILL ROCK THE EAST OF SINGAPORE. and i stay in the east of singapore so that's good. oh and on saturday i have tuition too..

okay so it's ot really busy. but i have the projects remember!!! haha.

anyway i'm taking really long to blog this post cos i'm on the phone with someone and i'm kinda typing with one hand so funny.

mm SIGH i haven't trained in such a long timee! i miss everyone so much. i miss safra. and i need to pass people letters. XD haha and i'm owed hugs too. i want a hug.. tell you who gives the best hugs! okay i want to make it anonymous. erm. that tall person whose face is like a horse's, hands like a chimp's and ears like an elephants. put all together it doesn't really look that bad. he's just really BIG to me. >< but big and nice to hug. wheee.

okay that was random. i think i should just publish this really really random post. i feel so free now i could jump off a building and actually fly! hahaha. i dont know why really. =]

2006-07-31T11:07:00.000+08:00

ahaha. i'm in school. physics. mm yes. i've been quite happy but also been muddleheaded. been forgetting so much stuff that i don't know what i've forgotten.

haha i'm sleepy. well on saturday, we had CIP flag day! which i did with naomi and then we met weewee who was stoning around and towering over the two of us shorties. =D then we had lunch and stuff. yup. i ate a $3.80 chicken rice which wasn't exactly nice to eat and besides, i wasn't hungry anyway. =P stuffed as much down as i could and had leftovers. SINCE WHEN DID SANDRA HAVE LEFTOVERS.

yeah so anyway we bumped into someone who kept staring at weewee and i found that REALLY amusing. maybe it's his height.

but BACK TO CIP, i felt ACCOMPLISHED! the can felt SO heavy by the end it was at least 1kg. of coins! oh and i had 2 $10 notes in mine. i think the can with the serial number 0139 was a donation magnet. we met a few cool people too. =]

interesting CIP. haha then we went home and STUFF. slacked around, did some homework, etc. had tuition. then used the com a while i think i was mapling. *stretch*my left arm's numb.

that was.. random. oh then sat night i was talking to a depressed soul. sorry dude i kinda fell asleep halfway. but i woke up again. =P i had a dream while talking on the phone AMAZING right. so in the middle of a bout of silence, i went "ey the kid's running away". cos i saw this chubby little indian boy tottling away from his mum and sister. it was so cute. but then well, i had to wake up and actually i was half asleep. =P sorry i really tried to keep awake.. =(

then yesterday went to church and stuff. prac was the usual. learnt a new song + weird strumming pattern that makes the song sound jumpy and cool to a certain extent. God made me who I am! =D

then my dearest korkor called me and we talked till... 12+? in the middle there was a slight interruption which i kinda chased away cos my dad was in the room and nagging. again, i'm sorry i didn't really mean to be mean. mmhmm. and then we talked rubbish and he told me about his roommates? mixing up stuff. expired campbell's soup and egg? birthday surprise. GROSS. ><

yup so i had a normal weekend. hmm. i wish i could draw something and scan it in to blog instead. i like drawing. sigh. wish i could draw well. ah well. i should go on with my physics class exercise. or i think i'd die soon. mm. PT would be relatively easy though. just a matter of presenting a whole bunch of info. SS PT's interesting. chinese PT's... well, chinese. what else can chinese be but CHINESE. i HAVE to do well for it. i can't afford not to. =]

2006-07-28T18:56:00.000+08:00

You Are Big Bird

Talented, smart, and friendly... you're also one of the sanest people around.

You are usually feeling: Happy. From riding a unicycle to writing poetry, you have plenty of hobbies to keep you busy.

You are famous for: Being a friend to everyone. Even the grumpiest person gets along with you.

How you life your life: Joyfully. "Super. Duper. Flooper."

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

2006-07-28T18:40:00.000+08:00

HELLO MR BLOG. xD

i'm happy. today i went to talk to mr teo about RS and then we started talking some rubbish. then he said that chenlaoshi said i've been a good girl! and she said that my attitude has improved by a lot and i'm so HAPPY! =D

i hope i can maintain this attitude. although. the si han! not exactly done with it yet. =( AND i didn't bring it either.

and then today i hardly brought ANYTHING at all which was sad cos there was a lot of stuff to hand up. which i have DONE already. and that's even sadder. ><

hahaha but nevermind. SIGH wish i could go/have gone for dramafeste. ohwell that's okay i can stay home and be happy it's all the same! =D

heh. i wonder how everyone is. i just want to SHOUT OUT, that i'm HERE. like ALWAYS. okay almost always. so if you ever need a listening ear or some (might not always be good) advice, call me! =)
(i have free incoming and the only obstructing factor is, well, my dad. who might come in and start yelling and then go on to confiscate my phone for the night.)

YES. i can tell you lame jokes too. a few at least. =]

i love you people cos you're all my friends and you guys make me happy. =]

AND I GIVE EVERYBODY A GREAT BIG HUG!

2006-07-24T14:38:00.000+08:00

WOW. i'm happy. i haven't been so happy in AGES and today i'm SO happy i don't even know why.

good things have happened today. EXCEPT today's maths lesson which was SO boring cos i didn't understand a thing and i almost fell asleep if not for smsing in class.

YAY.

first, my cold/flu/viral thing seems to have taken a HUGE turn since yesterday. it suddenly feels a WHOLE lot better. maybe it's that horrible chinese tea thing that my mum bought for me. seriously, no pain no gain. it tasted like SHIT. in the mouth it's bearable, but once it's swallowed/gulped, O_O it's SO bitter that i took about half and hour to drink ONE cup cos i kept staring at it. plus it smells terrible. BUT ANYWAY i feel so much better today which is GOOD.

second, i finally finished the letter i've been writing. basically went on about how happy i was. wrote some random nonsense and stuff.

third, there was career guidance today! apparently i'm gonna be in the artistic industry in the future. according to that test. but they didn't ask any questions about animals though.. second in line was social stuff like counselling? third was the sciency stuff.

fourth, I DON'T KNOW! i'm just so happy. i went to class, didn't sleep. assembly and bio were freaking HOT like anything BUT i was happy. then during career guidance a dearest most adorablest little girl was sitting next to me and we started talking about morrison. i think i like morrison.

physics was good. we were talking about ultrasound and stuff. then i'm doing the PT with the same dearest little morrison crazy partner. which is a nice change from d'old people.

YAY I'M HAPPY I DON'T BELIEVE IT. i thank jasper for knocking some sense into me yesterday. i think that's the main cause of my happiness. i've decided to FORGET the thing that's been troubling me since it's such a pathetic little matter that has the power to kill me if i let it but is NOTHING compared to my ability to listen to my big brother and FORGET. so that rocks cos i'm OVER it.

WOOHOO.

thank You God! and Lord thank You for the time of trial and sadness i just went through because it taught me how to be happy.

THANKS TO EVERYONE WHO'S HELPED TOO!! =D

2006-07-23T17:24:00.000+08:00

it's so hard.
so very very very hard.

why is it always so hard to let go of things u never had, but thought you may have been able to have?
and when you find out how impossible it is to have it, you don't want to let go of the mere thought.

isn't that stupid?

it's even harder when what you want is busy with something else. preoccupied.

"life has a way of mocking people."

2006-07-22T21:47:00.000+08:00

don't do this to me..

why doesn't anyone ever get it.

you don't, you don't, you don't and you don't. all of you.

daniel u said it's human nature.

a lot of things are human nature. there are so many things that are human nature, that i don't know if human nature is good or bad anymore. i used to think human nature is good.

love and compassion is human nature. but so is greed and and envy.

it's hard.

THAT. from my msn pm: it's all i want now and nothing more.

it really is. but why can't ANYONE give it to me. it's such a simple little thing.

you gave it to me once. then you smashed it a short time after.

so many have given it to me. but it always gets smashed. i don't know if it's cos i'm careless.
but it just keeps getting smashed.

you know what it is?

HOPE.

2006-07-22T13:47:00.000+08:00

i think these tests rock. they give such CORRECT responses...

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.

It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.

At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

2006-07-22T13:44:00.000+08:00

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it.

How Do You Live Your Life?

i found this somewhere. i bet someone finds it familiar. but now i'm wondering if everyone gets the same result.

2006-07-22T13:32:00.000+08:00

this is a delayed post, but. on wednesday, i went home with no trophies.

well because i left them at sakae. but bird took em for me.

that was lame, sorry. but it really felt like i went home with no trophies. but then again, it doesn't really matter really, what we take back physically. to me it was the memories taken back. so in that case, i took home too many to count. the past 2 months of intensive training. the past week of training everyday. it was amazing. the friends i made, the ups and downs i encountered... so many.

i cant count!

before this, i wanted this to end sooner, so i can focus on my studies. but then.. a "little girl" i know had this foresight that this would feel bad. now i feel bad.

it's sad that it's over.. so many things will be gone. the experience, the second life we all had at safra. so many things will change till the next time we might have this experience. the j2 guys will be at NS, some sec4s may not be shooting next year.. the feeling sucks. that i wont be seeing them. for such a long time. especially my DEAREST kor.=( kor please come back next year.. please!!!!

michelle and yitian.. i've kinda stuck on to them since the start of this year.. and to not have them in shooting in the next few years.. it's quite devastating?

it's sad that everything's over now. i won't be training much anymore, i'd be doing my PT, doing the yearbook thing that michelle and yitian saboed me to do (whatever's to be done), practicing piano, etc. Though i have been COMPLETELY slacking the past few days. maybe i just need the rest since i'm sick and all. but then.. it feels terrible - not doing anything, not FEELING like doing anything. just wanna sit around and stone around.

when i have things to do, i don't do them. when i have nothing to do, i want to do things. the time spent training and at SAFRA before nats hasn't gone off my mind. i wish it never ended, just that before this, i wished it ended earlier.

why is it i'm never satisfied?

2006-07-16T20:51:00.000+08:00

hello! i'm doomed cos i havent done my english file. haha. but i'm more worried abouts nats currently. my right shoulder loose loose. shoulder piece keeps slipping.. hmm.. tomorrow i'm gonna tiao.

anyway. i'm falling sick!

Though i brought it upon myself. here are 8 reasons why:

don't have a water bottle
been sleeping late
ate durians
being lazy to drink water even when thirsty
been eating snacks and chocolates (getting fat too)
talk too much nonsense
cry too much
hot weather (technically this isn't my fault)

yeah so i'm dead. i'm drinking cup after cup after cup now. my throat feels dead. scratchy. oh tell u what. those honey cough drops things rock. they're REALLY good. anyway. my throat sucks! i don't even feel like talking. i mean, do u believe it. ME. i'm not talking. AMAZING.

SIGH. i can't fall sick.. not now. ohwell nevermind i was quite happy today. which is good cos i haven't really been happy, exactly.

training yesterday was good other than my shoulder problem which i HOPE with all my heart will be fixed by tomorrow. heehee. church today was... sleepy. i slept during the sermon. i'm so.. bad. but i was so sleepy and i was suffering cos i couldn't talk. then at the end of service (i have to mention names again sigh) jasper passed those WONDERFUL cough drops thingies to someone(s) i think to pass to me. ate one. I COULD TALK. like, WHOA.

okay that was lame sorry.

anyway. this room is freezing (which is random) and i still need to compose/write a song by the following tuesday.

how? recently i haven't been having any time to be inspired. =P DIE. maybe i should go tink around on my piano now.. cya!

2006-07-13T23:40:00.000+08:00

just something to add.

i'm tired. really tired. but whenever i close my eyes, i feel like i'm in a ball, spinning, twisting, bouncing.

and that's not a good thing. then i open my eyes cos it feels quite horrible. so before i'm too tired to even open my eyes, before i sleep, it's like. close. 10 seconds. open. close. 15 seconds. open.

i'm starting to look like a panda. or a fish.

i've been dehydrated too.

didnt take PE today cos i felt like shit. pe teacher rocks. but he made a joke saying whether shit was a noun or an adjective.

but i'm really tired. maybe even exhausted.

tyred exhausted confucious.

2006-07-13T22:24:00.000+08:00

i've been writing in my diary the past few days.. haven't been able to use the comp.. basically, i've been all things bad. i.e. feeling ostracized, jealous, sad, dejected, angry, frustrated, exasperated, furious, worried, afraid, nervous, etc.

it all started.. yesterday.

meeting someone on the staircase, getting my mid-year report, training, crying, meeting a father who's seen my report, crying again.

emotions: jealousy, nervousness, tension, fear, frustration, sadness.

i have about 5 days more till my doomsday. coach changed my dong zhuo for what, i dont know but i was just unlucky to jerk really bad when she was watching. one too many times. changed, felt okay, actually. shots turned out terrible. the biggest problem is that, i don't know what is the problem.

less than a week, and this happens. i really REALLY tried not to cry. but i just COULDN'T. i'm such a weak little thing. i was supposed to be strong. i tried sooo hard, but i couldn't.

i got into the car.. hiding my tears. they never know when i'm not okay, so it was fine. but dad had to talk about my report. i improved by 0.22 in my gpa. that's good. but no he didn't point that out. he pointed out the 1.2 for chinese. why can't he think of it this way. i can get 1.2 for chinese and still get a 3.33 gpa. but no, he goes, can u try for your chinese? you're just cheating yourself and screwing up your results because of it.

so wow. amazing.
went home, cried, sniff sniff, cried.

but i'm thankful for those who tried to comfort me. it worked at the end of the day. i managed to sleep at least. after going on and on about how cute yulin was. but that's not the point, thanks.

but then, today came. after school we were supposed to do something about open house. well, they left. it's weixian's day after all. but it hurt. if you know why it hurt, you know. if you don't, then nevermind.

that was the start of today's anger, fury, dejection and that feeling of being ostracized.

i went to safra. leong. guess what, i'm not an individual term member so i couldn't train. and i was hoping i could train to vent some stuff. tear cards, throw pellets, slam the button, be trigger happy for one card. it would have helped, or so i hoped. but i didn't get the chance. so i was really.. furious. i started cursing and swearing. i went out for a walk. stared into the big drain outside. i was thinking what would happen if i jumped in.. but i looked at the water inside, filthy. so i scrapped the thought.

why is it that.. bad things happen all at once, and good things happen all at once. but when the bad things come, we keep thinking it's not going to end, but when the good things come, we think: oh no. how can everything be working so well. something bad's bound to happen.

is it human nature? and time passes so fast when good things are present. then we end up thinking that there are more bad things than good things in our lives. but actually, i figured that most of the time, the bad things originate from too many good things. we worry about lack of money, cos we have everything else we need. we worry about school work, cos we have the parents to scold us if we do badly.

why are we like that? why am i like that?

2006-07-11T22:23:00.000+08:00

okay now i can't help it i HAVE to mention names.

GAO YULIN IS SO CUTE. omg i want to PINCH his cheeks.

anyway. training was quite okay today. yesterday i shot 383. -__- sigh. but today i just shot grouping. 10 shots per card. always have about 2-3 shots out of the grouping.. 97-98. not that bad. if i shoot like today for comps, it's not bad at all. =D

but ohwell. someone was nice to me today. surprisingly. he's usually mean and dao. but today lol he seemed happy. must be cos of SOMEONE. HAHA. he said he was sleeping around. how scandalous.

anyway. today's RS was fun. Mr Hideaki Koh was telling us abour chord progressions and stuff. and how we can come up with a WONDERFUL melody rooting from elmo's song, and the sesame street "sunny day.." song. is that cool or is that cool. i think it's AMAZING. then on the spot he came up with this gorgeous melody along with gorgeous chords.

he is SO cool. honestly.. raw talent people, raw talent.

as you can probably tell, i'm quite happy today. at least partly because bio pt's OVER. wonderful. and yeah. it feels like a HUGE load lifted off and stuff. =D yay. i'm happy!

finally. thanks to all those who have made me happy and tried to make me happy and comforted me and talked to me and listened to me. THANKS! =] i think now it's my turn to listen and be a NICE friend. XD